This is me. two years ago almost to the day.
Fresh after a face-plant in my garage as I forced myself to carry boxes of my law books & office supplies after deciding to prioritize my health & recovery & taking medical leave from my job as a litigation lawyer.
I remember this moment so vividly. I didn’t ask for help to bring them in because I found comfort in believing I could do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING on my own, even though deep down, I knew I didn’t have the strength, let alone to do so mid-winter in slippery weather conditions.
But there I was.
Fighting logic because otherwise, I looked weak & incapable.
I carried those boxes with all my might but I never made it to the house.
I face-planted & burst into tears, not only from the pain of the fall but out of shock.
It was in that moment I realized I needed help.
The help was ALL AROUND ME, yet I fought everyday to shut it out.
To pretend I didn’t need it.
To make it on my own, even as my bones became more & more fragile & my situation deteriorated everyday.
I could say that anorexia made me do it until I’m blue in the face but truth is, in that moment, I didn’t want a life free of it enough to fight it with all my strength.
I cried myself to sleep that night because I was so worried I’d NEVER make it out of the hole my anorexia dug me into alive.
The life I’m living today seemed so far out of reach. It seemed impossible.
BUT HERE I AM. Alive to tell the story & to use my voice to tell you that this isolated incident doesn’t mean much, but the bigger picture & what it taught me is that when love & care is offered to you, as much as your illness pushes you to turn it down, BE STRONG & ACCEPT IT.
Do so knowing that it doesn’t take away from your value or make you weak. You don’t have to go through it alone. You can & you will get your life back from your ED, but you have to want it & fight for it.
Sometimes, that means recognizing that nobody has superpowers & that your support system is more valuable than your illness wants you to believe.