This is a rough one for me to post but I think it can help anyone struggling with recovery & that one of the main reasons why my blog/Instagram account means so much to me, so here goes.
I know, you hardly recognize me. But this was me, a few days into recovery, holding & eating a fudge bar (even though I didn’t want to) in my flaky hands that were so dry from dehydration & malnutrition, they bled.
I was so full & bloated I felt like a sumo wrestler with what felt like enough food in my belly for 3 people. This was my reality: eating even when I didn’t feel like it, even when my body felt so full that it hurt & even when I just wanted to go to bed & forget it all.
This was me keeping my promise to my therapist, my dad most importantly, & to myself; to create accountability & commitment to the privilege & trust I was granted to recover at home VS. in an inpatient eating disorder centre, I promised to send pics of my meals to my dad. My successful recovery is in part due to this; it seems so simple but it actually wasn’t.
Eating was hard. Whether it was ice cream, spinach salad or fish; with every bite, my ED reminded me I lost control & betrayed her & I fought with myself to finish every meal even when I felt like utter crap about it.
When we have an ED, we also develop food rituals & we feel uncomfortable eating around others, let alone sending photos of ourselves biting into fudge bars. As crazy as it sounds, eating makes us feel weak & ashamed & nobody likes to feel that way. Ever.
Nonetheless, this commitment was part of my recovery & I stayed faithful to it 6x/day. In the moment, I HATED how it made me feel but in hindsight, it’s one of the reasons I’m alive today.
On days where it would’ve been easier to stay in bed & pretend I didn’t have a meal plan to respect & breaky & a mid-morning snack to eat, I knew my dad was waiting for the pics & I couldn’t let him down. They reassured him & kept me accountable & on track.
I also knew my anorexia hated me for them. But I had no choice but to fight because not eating & not sending the pics meant she won & everyday, I got closer to getting my life back reminded why I couldn’t let her take the upper hand.
If you’re in recovery, create accountability, whatever that means to you; it might just save you.