It would be easy for me to tell you that I hate the girl on the left for not being strong enough to fight her anorexia before it took over her life. That she was weak, vulnerable, unworthy, powerless & that she made me suffer until I reached rock bottom.
But you see, the thing is, I don’t hate her.
I love her because it’s thanks to her I’m alive today.
It’s thanks to her that I’m the girl on the right & that I got my life back.
Truth is, today I love her but even more than I did back then.
Because she found the strength to fight even when she felt there was no fight left in her.
She found courage to get up when she fell & pieced herself back together, even if it would’ve been easier to give in to her eating disorder.
She fought for her life because she was afraid to die, but also because she missed out on 2 beautiful years & wasn’t done living it to the fullest.
She fed her body with whole foods & nourished her mind with therapy & self-talk, even when she was tempted to restrict & isolate herself.
She believed she could do it, even in the face of a mental illness that fed her with self-doubt every second of every single day.
Simply put, had she not put up such an aggressive fight, I probably wouldn’t be here today. So no, I don’t hate her; I love her & I’m thankful for everyday she woke up, chose recovery & fought for her life, even when she didn’t feel like it.
To be fair, I didn’t use a filter because I want you to see that your natural glow & love for life comes back when you reclaim your life from your eating disorder. I want you to know that there’s a light at the end of that dark tunnel & you hold the power to find the way out.
You might need some guidance along the way & that’s okay.
But the most important guidance comes from within.
The first step is waking up everyday & loving yourself, even amidst your struggles, when you feel weak & your way out seems too far in the distance.
Choosing recovery everyday means choosing to love yourself when your eating disorder wants you to do the opposite. It was only when I began to love & believe in myself that recovery became REAL. Be kind to yourself; you deserve a life without your eating disorder.