It was always about control.
Food was the vehicle I used to obtain control when I felt I lost my grip over every other aspect of my life.
It was never about looking thin.
Looking thin & skeletal was a by-product of the starvation that ensued from that need for control. It was always about control.
It was never about loving the way I looked. Quite the opposite, actually.
I hated myself so much that I reached a point where I was afraid to look at myself in the mirror.
It was never about “eating healthy”, even though it was my sorry excuse.
It was always about sacrificing my health to maintain the control, even though I’d NEVER admit it.
It was never about being happy & living a complete, whole & fulfilled life.
It was always about making my eating disorder happy & losing my love for life in the process of maintaining that same control.
Until I realized that so called control was silently killing me.
Until I understood that there were OTHER healthier ways for me to regain control over the areas of my life I felt had lost it that had nothing to do with food.
Take these photos not as an indication of my drastic transformation, not as a way for me to show off or brag.
You’re brave, beautiful & deserving of your OWN love.