Does everyone who recovers from an eating disorder relapse? No.
Do some people who recover from an ED relapse? Yes.
Did I relapse? Not quite, but I’m in & out.
What does a relapse really mean anyway? In the same way that eating disorders don’t develop, degrade & unravel in the same way, nor do ups & downs, relapses or slip-ups. In my opinion, a relapse is defined not by our physical appearance, but rather by the stability or lack thereof, of our minds.
I won’t lie, there were times in the past year where my mind felt more at ease & stable & where I felt even more in control of my thoughts. So yes, I’m slipping up every now & then. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit it because I know that while I’m not defined by my disorder, it’ll always be a part of what shaped me. But that also means it’ll always be there, sometimes silenced, other times, louder than ever.
The reason I can confidently say that I haven’t fully relapsed is because I’M AWARE. I’m not in denial or repressing or hiding my emotions. I know they’re there, I’m letting myself feel them & most importantly, I’m accepting support & talking about them.
I don’t want you guys to think that my recovery is perfect. I don’t want to mislead you. I don’t want you to think it’s easy just because I feel good & look happy all the time. We all HEAL differently.
Although I’ve come a long way in my healing journey, there’s no denying that I haven’t come full throttle & that the journey is far from over. When moments of hardship hit me, I welcome them with open arms & I LIVE through them. I don’t question why they happen & drive myself crazy over how unfair life is, like I used to. Instead, I face them & fight.
So here I am, being vulnerable with you guys & exposing my truths because that’s what KITK is all about. Here I am telling you that yes, I’m pursuing my passions, yes, I feel good & happy, but passion & happiness are not EVERYTHING I’m doing & feeling.
There are other feelings & emotions that come & go. Forgive me if I haven’t made them more known. Sometimes, they’re hard to put into words. But here I am trying & better late than never, right?