Opening Up About My Slip-Ups & About Why Sometimes, It’s Harder Than EVER To Silence ED.
Does everyone who recovers from an eating disorder relapse? No.
Do some people who recover from an ED relapse? Yes.
Did I relapse? Not quite, but I’m in & out.
What does a relapse really mean anyway? In the same way that eating disorders don’t develop, degrade & unravel in the same way, nor do ups & downs, relapses or slip-ups. In my opinion, a relapse is defined not by our physical appearance, but rather by the stability or lack thereof, of our minds.
I won’t lie, there were times in the past year where my mind felt more at ease & stable & where I felt even more in control of my thoughts. So yes, I’m slipping up every now & then. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit it because I know that while I’m not defined by my disorder, it’ll always be a part of what shaped me. But that also means it’ll always be there, sometimes silenced, other times, louder than ever.
The reason I can confidently say that I haven’t fully relapsed is because I’M AWARE. I’m not in denial or repressing or hiding my emotions. I know they’re there, I’m letting myself feel them & most importantly, I’m accepting support & talking about them.
I don’t want you guys to think that my recovery is perfect. I don’t want to mislead you. I don’t want you to think it’s easy just because I feel good & look happy all the time. We all HEAL differently.
Although I’ve come a long way in my healing journey, there’s no denying that I haven’t come full throttle & that the journey is far from over. When moments of hardship hit me, I welcome them with open arms & I LIVE through them. I don’t question why they happen & drive myself crazy over how unfair life is, like I used to. Instead, I face them & fight.
So here I am, being vulnerable with you guys & exposing my truths because that’s what KITK is all about. Here I am telling you that yes, I’m pursuing my passions, yes, I feel good & happy, but passion & happiness are not EVERYTHING I’m doing & feeling.
There are other feelings & emotions that come & go. Forgive me if I haven’t made them more known. Sometimes, they’re hard to put into words. But here I am trying & better late than never, right?