Once you feel something once, it’s harboured forever somewhere in your heart. It comes & goes & at times, it becomes more or less powerful but it’s always there.
Whether it be a feeling of love, hate, anger, disappointment, gratitude, pure bliss or utter sadness, one thing holds true: the more you contain it, the more power it holds over you.
It took me a while to figure that out & to realize I had to make a choice to either master my feelings or let them become my master.
For years, my internalized feelings of blame, frustration, guilt & anger mastered me.
My responses were illogical, my actions unplanned & my behaviours dominated by forces that always seemed stronger than me. My feelings were so powerful that they stopped me from being myself & turned me into a monster. I became the demon that consumed me. I became my anger, frustration & guilt. I became my eating disorder.
It’s only when I actively chose to face my feelings & deal with them that I was able to let go of the persona I became after years of internalization & to find my real self.
People choose to deal with feelings in different ways: writing, talking, music, art, meditation, exercise, running, walking, self-talk. For me, it’s a combination. The hardest one for me to break was TALKING.
I had a hard time vocalizing my emotions; I thought that expressing my feelings granted others power into my heart & that scared the heck out of me. I didn’t want to give anyone an opportunity to hurt me or make me feel worse than I already did. And so, I held back from saying what I really felt. I was uncertain how my feelings would be received & I didn’t know if words could do my feelings justice.
But then recovery pushed me into saying F*CK it. I let go of the uncertainty & I tried to find the words to best describe my feelings & I expressed them. I let those who showed me love & support into my life. I faced reality & I chose to be the bigger person in the fight against my feelings.
I mastered my feelings & I learned that it’s not because they’ll always be there that I can’t have control over them. I gained confidence in my ability to master my thoughts & suddenly, my decisions became logical & my life fell into place.
You can do it too. I believe in you.