Trying on clothes (especially old ones) is my biggest trigger & makes me really anxious.
As much as I’m grateful for recovery & having been able to fight for my life & regain my health, trying on clothes means I have to face one of the most noticeable signs of recovery: WEIGHT GAIN.
When I traveled in December, I had a meltdown. I tried on all my old summer clothes & NOTHING FIT. It was a huge shock & reality check.
I sat in front of the mirror & I cried. I tried to wiggle my way into tiny jean shorts, but I failed. I couldn’t bear to look at myself. When the anxiety subsided & I took the time to reflect calmly, I realized I was crying over MY SUCCESSFUL RECOVERY. I was crying over my SAVING MY LIFE & then it hit me: What the hell is wrong with me & why am I letting my eating disorder mess with my mind?
Everybody’s eating disorder is different & we all have our triggers. What sets me off might not set you off & vice versa. It’s important to be aware of your triggers but it’s also crucial to learn to be strong enough to fight them.
Today, I’m faced with the SAME trigger & anxiety that I was faced with in December. But I learned a valuable lesson (& I’m CONSTANTLY learning): Crying over material objects & pieces of fabric means I equate my worth with not being able to fit into them & I make myself feel bad & punish myself for the progress I made. It means I use the clothes as a way to compensate for not relying on my scale.
My body is worth more than a ripped pair of jean shorts, a tank top that fits too snug & a bra that doesn’t clasp. My body sustains me, loves me & keeps me alive EVERY SINGLE DAY. I need to sustain it, love it & give it what it needs to stay alive too. Like any relationship, mine with my body is a TWO-WAY STREET.
I look in the mirror & I’m anxious. I won’t lie. I don’t love what I see. But reality is, we always manage to find something we don’t love about ourselves & that we want to change.
Today, I look in the mirror & I fight. I fight the anxiety & my triggers.
I fight my eating disorder & I say NO.
I EMBRACE MY BODY, every curve & every crease because I’m alive.