Two years ago today, I woke up single & I went to bed a wife.
Two years ago today, I got married.
Today would’ve been my 2-year wedding anniversary.
But it’s not.
For those who don’t know, I got married on March 27, 2016. But, today, I’m going through a divorce.
I went 8 months without talking about it because I genuinely hated myself. I believed I had failed & that I was unworthy & inadequate not only as a lover & partner, but as a person.
I won’t lie, coming out about it wasn’t easy because I opened the door to opinions & judgment, but it was also probably one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done (To read the full post in which I came out about it, click here: Edit #129010321: What You’ve All Been Dying To Know & Why I’m Finally Opening Up About It).
We decided to take time apart right around the time where I was at the crux of my eating disorder recovery.
Truth be told, I was so scared for my life that I committed to recovery so hard & strictly that I lived & breathed it & I got lost in it. I couldn’t think of or feel anything else. For a few months, it was as though my marital issues didn’t really exist. I kept telling myself things would fall back into place once I got better.
Eventually, I got healthier & in time, I realized the heartbreak was always there. All the emotions came rushing to the surface. I was finally able to feel. My heart was shattered & all I could think about was how I let my eating disorder ruin my marriage. I felt stupid, guilty, embarrassed, idiotic, useless, angry, frustrated, sad, ridiculous, weak, vulnerable & disgusting. I cried. I broke down. I refused to accept it. I did everything humanly possible & fought with every bone in my body to try to save my marriage. But eventually, I realized I was fighting a hopeless battle & so, instead of digging myself into a deeper hole, I accepted my reality. I faced it. I grieved & I moved on & found closure on my own.
To read more about how I went through the heartbreak & how I overcame it, click here: How To Heal A Broken Heart a.k.a. My Top Google Search For Weeks #NoShame
I’m not going to sit here & go into all the nitty-gritty details about why my marriage didn’t work out or go as planned. But what I will share with you is the most valuable lesson I learned from my experience: LIFE IS A ROLLERCOASTER & THINGS DON’T ALWAYS GO AS PLANNED. STOP EXPECTING THEM TO.
If they did, I would’ve never had an eating disorder & I wouldn’t be sitting here today talking to you about my divorce – I’d be celebrating my 2-year anniversary with the love of my life, sushi & a bottle of white wine & probably be pregnant with my first child.
But I’m not & that’s okay.
You see, the thing is, I got through most of my life planning & mapping out every scenario, event & situation & watching it unfold almost exactly as I had envisioned. I guess I began to take it for granted & taught myself to believe that life would always be that way.
My eating disorder & the end of my short-lived marriage both came as a shock & reality check. They taught me to change my perception & to stop planning & mapping out these perfect situations that I couldn’t control whether or not I’d be able to live up to. They taught me that in life, certain things are going to be beyond my control & there’s absolutely NOTHING I can do about it.
In retrospect, I think a big part of why it was so difficult for me to be open about my divorce was because I was afraid of what people would say or think. I was afraid they’d judge or condone me because for once in my life, I LOST CONTROL.
No matter how hard I tried, I realized I couldn’t control his emotions, but I also learned that what I could control was the way I reacted to that. It was finally time for me to let go of the idea of perfectionism, not only in my relationships, but in all areas of my life & to accept that in order to live my happiest, best & most positive life, I have to take every day as it comes & leave it to time.
As cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason, what’s meant to be will always find its way & things have a way of falling into place just as they should.
My life today is all about having FAITH in the passing of TIME.
Time passes. it heals. And with time, comes experience. A little more than JUST one year of experience has taught me more about myself, my mind & my body than I’ve learned in my entire life. Contrary to what I thought just six months ago, being alone today doesn’t make me inadequate or worthless.
Being alone today is “things falling into place”. Being alone today is NECESSARY. Every single event that happened in the past three years of my life was necessary to lead me to where I am today: HEALED.
Healed from heartbreak.
Healed from my eating disorder.
Healed from years of self-neglect & internalized sadness.
I had to be alone in order to heal from every single one of those things & that’s the beauty in all of this.
Today, on what what would’ve been my two-year wedding anniversary, I choose to see the good & instead, I celebrate my ability to take my HEALING into my OWN hands & to make it my reality.
Today, I celebrate my healing & my relationship with myself, the most stable, understanding, loving, caring, heartwarming, trusting & honest relationship I’ve ever been in. And most importantly, the one I can trust will last forever.