People always ask how I knew or how I could say I was fully recovered from my eating disorder. Truth is, while I do believe full recovery is possible, I think it’s a lifelong journey & something that’ll always be in the back of my mind & come back to test me every now & then.
I know that’s true because even though I’m weight restored & I feel mentally stable & strong, my eating disorder still creeps up on me every now & then to remind me what life was like when I was stuck in her trap.
Sometimes, my mind convinces me that I want to be trapped all over again.
Other times, I’m strong enough to say no.
That’s what I mean about a lifelong battle.
One of the things that really truly made me realize that I was beginning to let go of my eating disorder was when I started to forget to do all the things anorexia wanted me to do.
When I started to forget to strip down to nothing & weigh myself the second I got out of bed.
When I stopped pulling out my kitchen scale weigh my fruit & granola in the morning.
When I stopped tracking every spinach leaf that went into my salad.
When I stopped wrapping my fingers around my wrist or thigh to make sure they hadn’t grown.
When I started to refrain from playing with my food or even worse, hiding it to pretend I ate it.
When I stopped looking at my body, knowing I hated it & knowing that I was afraid but continued to restrict anyway.
When I stopped letting my eating disorder convince me that I was destined to live in that hell forever.
When I stopped isolating myself from my loved ones.
When I stopped pretending I didn’t need help.
Every time I forgot to do one of those things, I knew I was getting stronger & wiser than my eating disorder. I knew that I was a step closer to beating it.
Real recovery is possible & YOU CAN ALL DO IT.
The things that’ll make you realize it’s possible may or may not be different than what did it for me. But that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that everyday, you wake up & see a tiny little bit of progress, a baby step toward.
And you know what? Some days, even some regression, a little step or two back because those things will serve as a reminder & motivation to FIGHT HARDER so that tomorrow, you’re looking forward & not back.
The things that are worthwhile in life do not come easy. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. Keep fighting!