Eating disorder recovery is like a break-up.
You go through stages.
First, you realize how toxic & self-destructive the eating disorder is, the degree & level of control it has over you & how it stops you from really living.
Then, you make the big decision to part your ways with it & put an end to it. You’re relieved in the moment & you ultimately feel like you made the right decision. You begin to truly feel like you’re living without something more powerful than you forcing you to engage in behaviours that hurt & neglect your body. You love how you feel & realize that life without your eating disorder is within the realm of possibility.
But a few weeks or months in, it hits you. You broke up with the thing that gave you comfort, control & made you feel good. You may have found life & health but you also feel you lost control & you miss the comfort your eating disorder once brought you. You think back on your memories with ED & you weirdly want them back. You crave them. You want them so bad that you cave.You slip up. You fear a relapse. You let ED back in, sometimes for a minute, a day, a week or a month. You feel the need to re-engage in behaviours that became taboo & to succumb. You feel weak, but you also feel safe.
Those are the hardest moments. The ones where you must choose between the life you lived with ED or the taste of life you got as you fought for a life without it. That’s when you have to fight even harder. That’s when you have to be strong & realize that your ED was never about the way you looked.
It was about the control, the anxiety, the constant measuring, weighing & counting, the obsession with an electronic device that measured your worth, hiding your food, body checking, going to bed with more layers than you can count, the racing heart, missed family events & the fear of looking at your scary frame in the mirror.
You look back & realize that’s really what you broke up with & suddenly, you accept & move on. You find closure in knowing that doesn’t have to be your life if you don’t let it back in & you regain composure.
You realize that your life can be happy, beautiful & comfortable WITHOUT ED & you choose life.