One truth about recovery or treatment for any mental illness is that you might lie your way through therapy at first. I did too.
I cancelled & skipped appointments & pretended I was “working late”. I sat through hour long sessions with a therapist I felt no connection with just to go through the motions. I lied to my dietitian about how I followed her meal plan. I pretended it was working but it wasn’t.
FACT: I lied about therapy. I used to be ashamed of it & it was the conversation I avoided most because I thought it made me look stupid. And I mean, let’s be honest… Nobody likes a liar, right?
In retrospect, I now know that I lied my way through it because even though the treatment team I started out with wasn’t helping me, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I thought if I just pretended it was working that eventually it would & it would all go away. But I was wrong.
Truth is, I had to lie my way through my first treatment to realize that my situation required something more intense & to learn that I had to develop relationships with a therapist, nutritionist & doctor I connected with & trusted wholeheartedly & with my life (literally!).
When I started with my second treatment team, it opened my eyes to why it didn’t work out with the first one & it made me realize how fortunate I was to be in a place where I wanted & looked forward to my therapy appointments, instead of lying about going.
I learned that lying my way through to please others served me absolutely no purpose. In the end, I was the one preventing myself from getting healthy. Weirdly, my ED got worse with my first treatment attempt because I settled for the fact that I’d never get better.
If you’re lying your way through therapy, STOP SETTLING & please don’t get down on yourself or be ashamed. It’s part of the process.
Sometimes, therapy will be a love at first sight situation & it’ll all click. But other times, you’ll have to go through a few trial runs to find what works for you.
It doesn’t mean your illness is hopeless or incurable. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to live with it forever & that it won’t get better. It just means you need something DIFFERENT.
Recovery is possible & it’ so damn worth it, even when getting there seems impossible. I promise you’ll get there.