I ALWAYS say that recovery isn’t linear, has no finish line & even if it goes well for months, it’s never smooth sailing or a walk in the park. That still holds true.
When I started KITK, I made a promise to myself & to you that I’d ALWAYS be real & open. Today, here I am staying faithful to that promise & living proof that although recovery has been quite successful this year, it’s by no means seamless or perfect.
CUE CONFESSION: Yesterday, I went to therapy cause I felt like I needed to.
As you guys know, I’ve been having a hard time with recovery the past few weeks. The temptations to slip-up have been more frequent & my body image hasn’t been as great as it was in the past few months. These feelings are a NORMAL part of recovery, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that they’re DIFFICULT to accept & deal with nonetheless.
I’ve reached a point in my recovery where most of the time, I’m strong enough to fight the feelings on my own, but reality is, I’m not superwoman (as much as I’d like to be) & sometimes, I need therapy to help.
The difference between taking the first step this time & a year ago is that this time, nobody had to force me & there were no interventions.
I consciously & willfully stepped up to the plate & made the decision on my own.
Why? There are a few reasons, the first of which is that I’ve never been more conscious & aware of the way I feel & I’m now more in tune with my emotions than ever.
I also can’t fathom the idea of EVER reliving the hell of ED… the counting, weighing, anxiety, crying, hurting, freezing, measuring, worrying, hibernating & feeling guilty 24/7.
But even more so because I know how beautiful life is without ED & the idea that ED’s voices may potentially take over my life again is gut wrenching.
This time around, I know with utmost 200% certainty that therapy isn’t a sign of failure, weakness or vulnerability but rather an indication of how much I LOVE life when I’m healthy & free of ED, how strong-willed & determined I am to continue to commit to recovery & how proactive I am in taking care of myself & practicing self-love everyday.
I don’t know if I’ll need it regularly but what I do know is that I’m strong enough to admit that full recovery doesn’t mean the eating disorder is forever gone.
Sometimes, even the strongest souls need help & that’s OKAY.