It’s okay not to be okay.
It’s okay to fail.
It’s okay to crumble.
It’s okay not to be perfect.
All these things are okay but it doesn’t mean they’re easy to accept.
All these things are true but it doesn’t mean I always believe they are.
My journey towards recovery has been a constant challenge towards accepting that life isn’t always easy, seamless or perfect.
I lived with that expectation for SO long & in retrospect, the ease, seamlessness & perfection I so badly strived for ultimately led to my demise.
I spent so much time focusing on being perfect & not being challenged, not facing reality & repressing pain instead of overcoming obstacles that I lost sight of the true meaning behind “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you”.
For YEARS, I was the “perfect” law student. I spent my life in the library, with my head nestled deep in my books. Yes, law school was challenging. But that’s not the type of challenge I’m talking about. I’m talking about LIFE’S CHALLENGES, the ones you grow from, let you get to know yourself as a person & shape you.
I was also the oldest sibling, which in my (very wrong) opinion meant I had to stay strong for everyone else. It also meant I wasn’t allowed to cry, show emotion or break down.
I strived for perfection & did everything in my power to be perceived that way.
But the worst part about this pursuit towards the impossible is that THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM. What you see on the surface isn’t always what is. I portrayed perfection, but I wasn’t perfect. Don’t believe everything you see.
Recovery taught me that striving for perfection is an endless pursuit towards something that ultimately doesn’t exist.
I’m a lawyer, older sibling & a girl with ambition but I’m also a human being. Not only am I allowed to feel, but I’m SUPPOSED to.
Recovery taught me more than what I need to do to cope with my anxiety, to fuel & feed my body healthily & to understand what led me to develop my ED in the first place.
Recovery taught me to appreciate life & live it wholeheartedly, the good, bad & the ugly.
Recovery taught me that real adversity & hardship has the ability to change you in such beautiful & unexpected ways.