Yes, sometimes I get TIRED of recovery.
I get tired of having to fight.
I get tired of the mere thought of knowing I had an eating disorder.
Some days, I just feel like I’ve had it.
I wonder why I even find myself in this situation in the first place & how I let my life spiral out of control without even realizing, given that I’m usually so on top of my sh*t.
Sometimes I ask myself if all of it is even worth it.
Recovery isn’t all sunshine & rainbows.
Successful recovery doesn’t mean that I never question & doubt myself.
It doesn’t mean that I closed a chapter for good or forever.
It doesn’t mean I reached a finish line & that I can just forget about it & stop trying & fighting.
The thing with a mind that was once disordered is that although the disorder itself no longer controls your life, NOTHING changes the fact that it happened.
The mind, being the complicated organ that it is, has its way of reminding you of that every so often.
Sometimes, I feel like my mind is testing me to make sure I’ve really recovered & to see if I’m strong enough not to cave.
Some days, I feel like superwoman.
Others, I feel like I might fail the test.
I won’t lie, I wish everyday was a superwoman day. But the reality of recovery is that IT ISN’T & CAN’T BE.
You can wish for all the smooth sailing in the world, but the waves & bumps will hit you when you least expect it. It’s important not to let the waves drown & suck you in & not to let the bumps make you fall so hard that you don’t get back up.
It’s okay and completely normal to get hit, splashed, triggered, shocked, trip, break down & cry from the fall but YOU HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE TO GET BACK UP.
Make your fight worthwhile. Acknowledge that the word fight in & of itself means it won’t be easy, it’ll take strength, fire, desire & will to live. The will to live is the one thing that makes me see the worth in the “test” days.
But the fact that they’re worth it doesn’t make them any easier. On those days, passing is more important than getting an A+.
In recovery, you’ll have to modify your standards. Some days, just making it through will be enough. Other days, you’ll feel stronger & more capable.
I’m rooting for you.