The past few weeks, I felt a bit off balance & off track. It’s hard to explain, but I kind of felt like my grip on recovery had loosened a bit. It almost felt like I started to miss the comfort of my eating disorder & wanted to retreat back to it. These feelings are scary cause the only way out is THROUGH.
“Through” means that I have to work hard at fighting feelings of longing & missing. It also means that I’ve felt anxious. I’ve felt doubt. I’ve felt down. I’ve felt pain.
I’m sharing this because I simply want you guys to know that recovery has no finish line & LIFE IS NOT PERFECT. I’m not happy all the time. I get anxious, stressed & feel hopeless & sad too. I don’t always have it all together & all figured out. I don’t always know that I’ll wake up in the morning feeling strong & proud of where my journey has taken me. I don’t ever really know when an ED thought is going to creep up on me & make me question the path I chose to take.
I know my purpose, but sometimes I question it.
The idea that life is great 100% of the time is just that: an idea. An idea. A thought. A suggestion. But it’s not real.
As human beings, feelings of longing are not easy to cope with. Sometimes, we miss an ex, friend, parent, grandparent, old job, experience or memory. Sometimes, we miss our eating disorders.
Reality is there’s nothing we can do but accept that the things or people we miss are temporarily or permanently no longer a part of our lives.
That’s what I’ve been working on: Accepting that ED is no longer a part of my life, embracing every reason why that’s true & why choosing to let go of it forever was worth it.
When you accept, you heal, you conquer & you say yes to life in its entirety.
I’m taking it day by day & constantly reminding myself that going through a hard time only means I’ll come out stronger in the end.
It’s been a rough few weeks but the worst is over.
I’m keeping my head up high.
I’m fighting for me, but also for you guys.