The past few weeks, I’ve really come to learn & experience the fact that eating disorder recovery is not linear & it has no finish line. My reality is that everyday, I wake up & I make the conscious decision to choose recovery all over again.
Contrary to popular belief, living with anorexia isn’t a phase, fad or choice. But, there’s nothing truer than the fact that recovery is an act of choice.
The thing about recovery is that while it helped me regain my health & it really did save my life, it didn’t make me forget my disordered ways, rituals & behaviours, my suffering, isolation, pain or the war I fought with myself DAILY.
Recovery didn’t make the memories disappear or go away; they simply got blurred by all the beauty & happiness of my newfound health & wellness.
But some days, reality hits harder than others & it’s harder to make the choice.
You’d think recovery is the logical choice, right? I mean, you’d choose life over suffering any day, right? Me too.
But sometimes the memories I fought so hard to leave behind, the ones I want nothing more than to keep blurred, come creeping back & I have to fight ten times harder not to give in to them.
Those days don’t mean that I have lost my strength, willpower or motivation to push forward. They are simply a reminder of the fact that recovery is a journey, an ongoing process & a progression. A constant battle that I CHOSE to fight.
Real life is about standing by & living with the choices we make & not turning our backs on them when there’s an easy way out.
There’s a reason I made this decision in the first place & I stand by it wholeheartedly. I chose recovery because I wanted to stop being a slave to my illness & I wanted to LIVE.
On the hard days, I remind myself of that very reason. I feed & repeat it to myself until I begin to believe it all over again & my belief is strong enough to cloud the negativity. That’s how I regain my strength.
It sounds tough & it is.
But nobody said recovery would be easy, that it didn’t take hard work & commitment or that it would be linear or logical.
Truth is, recovery can’t really be defined. It means & symbolizes something different for everyone.
Define YOUR RECOVERY, then CHOOSE IT EVERYDAY.