2017 was the year I fought the battle to regain my life & won.
It was amazing for so many reasons, but it was also one of the hardest lived years of my life. It had many ups, but tons of setbacks, obstacles & lows.
This post will take you through some of the highs & lows of my year & the moments that stand out to me, good & bad, from month to month, up until today, THE LAST DAY OF 2017!
In December, I starved. I cried. I commended myself for getting through each day eating only fruits, veggies & rice cakes. I weighed myself over 20x a day & body checked more times than I can count. I found pride in knowing a size 0 was too big. I went to grocery stores to look at the food & smell all the deliciousness, bought tons of it & didn’t eat it. I woke up before the crack of dawn to make sure I was burning enough calories. I celebrated my birthday with a trip to NYC that I could hardly enjoy. ED was stronger than ever. I brought all my safe foods along with me & didn’t eat in ONE restaurant. I celebrated New Year’s Eve not knowing if it would be my last. I came back weak, finally let go of my denial & I made the decision to take medical leave from my career as a full-time attorney to take care of my health & recover from my anorexia.
In January, I finally admitted that therapy wasn’t working & that I lied my way through my sessions. I reached my lowest weight, got diagnosed with bradycardia, osteopenia, low blood pressure & reached rock bottom. I was in & out of doctor’s offices & hospitals, doing weekly blood tests & I felt more void of life than ever. After many family interventions, I also met the therapist who saved my life.
In February, I finally made the decision to recover from my ED ON MY OWN & to commit to a meal plan as opposed to being admitted to an inpatient facility. It was scary, uncertain & uncomfortable & it was a month filled with mixed emotions & anxiety. I discovered a passion that I believe was always there: cooking & baking, which proved to be very therapeutic for me.
In March, I started Kelly In The Kitch, in response to popular demand from you guys to share the healthy recipes I had begun experimenting with throughout recovery & in order to raise awareness about mental health & eating disorders. The support I received from you guys from the beginning is beyond words & I am forever thankful. March is also the month I broke up with my scale & stopped letting the numbers measure or account for my worth & happiness. To read more about how, why & how liberating it was for me to get rid of my scale, click here: Peace Out Scale, It’s Been Real a.k.a. I-Said-Goodbye-To-My-Scale-&-I’m-Finally-Free
In April, I finally found the strength & desire to attend my first family holiday dinner in years. My blood work started to look up & my heart rate & blood pressure stabilized. I began to read more about health & nutrition & continued to commit to my meal plan, with the goal of adopting a healthier lifestyle. But, I also realized that my marriage had really fallen apart.
In May, I got the green light from my doctor to start practicing yoga, which was both therapeutic & healing for me. But, we also sold our house & I moved back home, which was difficult & hard to accept at first.
In June, I finally started to see tangible results regarding my weight gain & began to accept & embrace them. I also spent more time with my sister, who told me she felt like she finally had me back & settled in & began to feel at home again. I also started vlogging on instagram in hopes that sharing my daily life with you guys would help raise awareness about what it’s like to recover from an ED & encourage you all to live healthier lifestyles.
In July, I started exercising, not knowing that fitness would become one of my many newfound passions. I began to feel the loss & heartbreak of my ending marriage & reached out to my husband in hopes that we could give our marriage one last attempt before we accepted its end. That didn’t work.
In August, I went on an impromptu trip to NYC with my sister to help myself heal & recover from the heartbreak. We worked out, shopped & I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (a drastic change from my previous trip to NYC). I came back feeling refreshed, new, happy, stronger & with my heart slowly beginning to piece itself back together. I stopped fighting for the man who proved he was no longer going to fight for me & learned that in life, I must accept the things I cannot control.
In September, I realized that throughout recovery, I found my true calling & passion: HEALTH. NUTRITION & FITNESS. I began to feel ready to go back to work but was unsure whether the legal profession was what I wanted to pursue. I jumped back into it & gave it a shot because I’m not one to give up easy. I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it. But at this point in my life, I’m simply not sure that it’s my passion. This was also the month that it became official: I was getting a divorce. To read more about how I finally came out about it, click here: Edit #129010321: What You’ve All Been Dying To Know & Why I’m Finally Opening Up About It.
In October, I faced my reality & instead of grieving the way I had in the past, I found comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason & that my marriage was ultimately not meant to be. KITK continued to grow, thrive & expand into more than just a food blog, but also a health, wellness, beauty, fitness & lifestyle blog.
In November, I started my courses at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition based in NYC with the goal of pursuing my passion to help others live a healthier lifestyle & become the best version of themselves. I’m now on the road to becoming a holistic nutritionist & health coach.
In December, I felt stronger & healthier than ever but I also faced a series of ups & downs regarding my body image. I found the strength to cope with them, not to let my eating disorder thoughts back in & to love & accept my body the way it is because I’m alive.
Today, I feel proud because I feel as though I’ve had a positive impact on some of your lives & have helped you make changes for the better. I’m stepping into the New Year with more positivity, education, health, strength, happiness & love than ever. I finally found & know my purpose & I want nothing more than to continue sharing it with all of you in 2018.
2018 looks bright, beautiful & promising. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me but for once in my life, I’m also perfectly content not knowing it until it happens.