Truth: “Recovery is terrifying when you don’t know who you are without your sadness”.
Someone sent me this quote & asked if this is how I felt before I chose recovery.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: I read those words & immediately felt a lump in my throat.
I literally felt like I was reading my very own words & emotions.
The thing about anorexia is that no matter how much you’re suffering, no matter how much you hate what your life becomes, no matter how much you hate the way you look & feel & no matter how much you hate ED for doing all this to you, anorexia becomes all you know, live & breathe.
ED doesn’t let you invest yourself in or value anything else. If & when you even try to, in the eyes of ED, you failed.
When you disappoint her, she comes back to hit you twice as hard.
The scary thing is that’s exactly how you fall into the cycle & into her trap.
You fall so hard that you lose sight of what it means not to suffer, to love your life & the way you look & feel & to live without your illness.
Anorexia makes you feel so comfortable & secure that no matter how scared you are & how badly your life is in danger, you’re even more scared to abandon the one thing you find solace, security and comfort in. So you worship her. You’re a slave. You dig yourself deeper, everyday & anorexia rejoices.
Until the day you realize that not knowing who you are without your sadness & without ED is a blessing in disguise.
You don’t choose recovery to go back to who you used to be.
You choose recovery to GROW, to become a better version of who you used to be, a stronger, wiser, new version, one that has suffered & fought for life & that has learned a thing or two along the way.
It’s only once you accept that the uncertainty of what life will be after recovery is positive & beautiful that you can truly find comfort in STEPPING out of the false safety net anorexia trapped you in.
Suddenly, recovery is the most beautiful thing in the world because you get to sit back & watch as it transforms the sadness you held onto into the purest form of happiness you’ve ever felt & opens your eyes to the possibility & reality, of living FREE of your demons.