True story: I was going through my notes application on my iPhone & amongst the 1038832 notes, I found this one, titled “Weight Tracker”.
I hesitated before opening it because I knew exactly what it was. But I did.
So many memories came rushing back: all I could see was me waking up at 4:50am, turning on my phone’s flashlight, taking my clothes off in panic mode, shivering, pulling my scale from under my bed & stepping right on it for my first (& certainly not my last) weigh-in of the day.
That moment, those 10-15 seconds had the power to set the tone & mood for the rest of my day: if the numbers went down, it was going to be the best day in the world; if they went up or stayed the same, self-hate, shame & sadness kicked in.
Opening this note left me teary-eyed with a lump in my throat & pain in my heart. It made me feel this way because I don’t recognize the person who was capable of doing such a thing, but I also know that I was once that person.
This was my reality.
I was a prisoner to my scale.
My daily outings (or lack there of) depended solely on if I’d be home to weigh myself on time & whether or not I was allowed to eat anything from an apple to a glass of water depended on if I was able to weigh myself before.
The numbers were my permission slip or my prohibition.
They defined me & my worth.
They gave me comfort, but they also ingrained fear.
They were my best friend, but also, my worst enemy.
They made me happy, but they also made me miserable.
They made me lose all mental stability & control over my mind & body.
To think I’d reached such a rock bottom point in my life is heartbreaking & scary.
But knowing I’m living my best life yet in this exact moment, is mind-blowing.
Let this be a testament to the fact that it’s possible to reverse your psyche, thought processes & your distorted & disordered mind.
Months ago, this note meant everything to me. It was the holiest document on my phone. I always feared I’d accidentally delete it so I took screenshots after every update.
Up until today, I forgot it existed. I plan to keep it that way.
Today is the day I delete it. I’ve let go of this habit & today, I let go of the memory.