Yes, I lied because of my eating disorder.
I lied about food. I hid it. I disposed of it & I didn’t eat it.
I lied about my weight. I wore baggy clothes to hide my protruding bones & weighed in after meals when my belly was stuffed & the food helped make the numbers climb.
I lied about weight gain.
I lied to skip social events. I said I was tired, lacking energy & that I wasn’t in the mood. All of those things held true. But I also wanted to avoid being around food.
I lied about how I was feeling. I said I felt fine. But I often found myself laying in bed at night with racing heart palpitations, feeling dizzy & fighting with myself to fall asleep.
I lied about my first therapist & said it was working. But it wasn’t. I lied my way through therapy until I met the therapist who saved my life.
I lied about my feelings. I smiled & pretended I was happy. But inside, I was dying, crying & melting away.
I lied & said I was comfortable, but I felt like I was freezing to death.
I lied about all of these things but I’m not ashamed because I know I’m not a liar. My eating disorder is.
Eating disorders are terrible, ugly & horrible creatures.
They’re so powerful that they have the ability to turn their victims into manipulators & liars.
If someone close to you is suffering, think twice before accusing them. There’s a difference between lying with intent & lying because your mind is being controlled by a monster.
In the depths of ED, I was accused countless times of being a liar & I won’t lie, every accusation took a toll on me, hurt & broke me, not because I believed it was true but because I so badly wanted to show that it wasn’t, but no matter how bad I wanted to, I just couldn’t.
ED lied to me & I fell for it. For 2 damn years.
For 2 damn years, she made me lie my way to starvation, deprivation, depression & nearly death & made me lie to those closest to me.
Today, I know, face & live my truth.
I won’t look back, no matter how convincing her lies are because ED is not who I am.