ED Is A Liar, But So Was I.

ED Is A Liar, But So Was I.

Yes, I lied because of my eating disorder.

I lied about food. I hid it. I disposed of it & I didn’t eat it.

I lied about my weight. I wore baggy clothes to hide my protruding bones & weighed in after meals when my belly was stuffed & the food helped make the numbers climb.

I lied about weight gain.

I lied to skip social events. I said I was tired, lacking energy & that I wasn’t in the mood. All of those things held true. But I also wanted to avoid being around food.

I lied about how I was feeling. I said I felt fine. But I often found myself laying in bed at night with racing heart palpitations, feeling dizzy & fighting with myself to fall asleep.

I lied about my first therapist & said it was working. But it wasn’t. I lied my way through therapy until I met the therapist who saved my life.

I lied about my feelings. I smiled & pretended I was happy. But inside, I was dying, crying & melting away.

I lied & said I was comfortable, but I felt like I was freezing to death.

I lied about all of these things but I’m not ashamed because I know I’m not a liar. My eating disorder is.

Eating disorders are terrible, ugly & horrible creatures.

They’re so powerful that they have the ability to turn their victims into manipulators & liars.

If someone close to you is suffering, think twice before accusing them. There’s a difference between lying with intent & lying because your mind is being controlled by a monster.

In the depths of ED, I was accused countless times of being a liar & I won’t lie, every accusation took a toll on me, hurt & broke me, not because I believed it was true but because I so badly wanted to show that it wasn’t, but no matter how bad I wanted to, I just couldn’t.

ED lied to me & I fell for it. For 2 damn years.

For 2 damn years, she made me lie my way to starvation, deprivation, depression & nearly death & made me lie to those closest to me.

Today, I know, face & live my truth.

&

I won’t look back, no matter how convincing her lies are because ED is not who I am.

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1 thought on “ED Is A Liar, But So Was I.”

  • I think the strength and bravery you have gained is amazing! Reading your words about the opposite end of the spectrum on my own weight problems is eye opening. It is gratifying to see someone work toward a balance. Thank you for sharing so much.

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