The other day, I got a message asking if I ever wanted to go back to my “old weight” before my eating disorder.
I politely answered that I don’t have a goal weight & that I just want to look & more importantly, feel good & healthy.
But, I won’t lie.
The question ate at me for days. It hurt, bothered & mind boggled me for different reasons.
I began to ask myself:
- Does society view my “old” weight as something bad?
- Why is my “old” weight the reference point for something I should or shouldn’t want to go back to?
- Am I a better person now because of my weight or because how I look?
- Am I supposed to hate the “old” version of myself because it’s not exactly who I am today?
The answer to these questions may or may not be what I want them to be.
- Maybe society views my old weight as something bad.
- Maybe it is the reference point for something I shouldn’t strive for.
- Maybe society thinks I’m a better person now because of my weight or because of how I look.
- Maybe I’m supposed to hate the “old” version of myself.
But, the answer to all those questions is irrelevant because only I hold the power to decide what I think of myself.
My “old” weight isn’t bad. My weight now is just different.
My “old” weight isn’t a reference point for me because I’m no longer preoccupied with numbers.
I’m not a better person now because of how I look or don’t look. I’m a better person because I’ve reached rock bottom, been destroyed, suffered, learned, grown, felt & recovered.
I don’t hate the “old” version of myself. Every single year of my life is a crucial part in the process that brought me on the journey that I’m living right here, right now. Today, I may be different in some ways but I had to be the “old” me to become the “new” me.
My weight has NOTHING to do with any of that.
So, the more elaborate answer to that question is that:
I don’t want a six pack. I want to wake up everyday feeling like a million bucks.
I don’t want to count, weigh, measure or restrict my food intake. I want to feel full from LIFE EXPERIENCES.
I don’t want to be consumed with, obsessed with goal weights or appearances. I want to be obsessed with BEING ALIVE.
I don’t want to rely on appearance to be happy. I want to rely on MOMENTS & FEELINGS.
I don’t want anyone, any thought or anything to control my mind or body. I want to live FREELY, go with the flow, embrace life & take every day as it comes.
If one day my “old weight’ just so happens to be the point where I feel my best & happiest, so be it. That’s what I’ll want.