I won’t lie or sugar coat it. My life isn’t perfect. TBH, I don’t think that’s what I relay.
But the past couple of weeks have been real hard body-image wise. I’m at a point in my journey where I know that the reason some weeks are harder than others is because my demons decide they’re in the mood to creep back into my life & tempt me to fall back into their cave.
I know that I’m stronger, more mentally stable, better, wiser & more worth it than to allow any of that to happen.
BUT, that does NOT change the fact that there have been days where looking at myself in the mirror has made me sad, angry, frustrated or mad.
I know, deep down, that it isn’t ME feeling all those things but that it’s ED.
Months ago, ED & I were one person. One being. One soul. One body. What ED wanted, I robotically & automatically gave her. Every single time. Even if I knew it was bad, harmful & even dangerous.
Today, ED & I are two people. We are dissociated. I am my own being. My own soul. My own body. I control my being. What ED wants, I keep from her. I prohibit her from having it. I make her suffer.
But when I do that? She tries to get revenge.
That’s what happens on those bad body image days.
On those days, I remind myself how far I’ve come & how worthwhile it’s been.
How because of recovery, I’m living more now than I ever did.
How if it weren’t for recovery, Lord knows where I’d be today.
A hospital bed tied up to an IV? No longer here? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that while recovery has brought SO MUCH beauty to my life, it also brings about some harder, tougher, ugly, terrible moments. Moments where it’s so damn tempting to give my demons exactly what it wants.
But I don’t do it. I don’t give in. I don’t do it because I know what doing that entails.
I know the hell I’d put myself through again & I am NOT ready to live it again.
I’m worth so much more.
Sorry anorexia, bad body image days will NEVER be enough to suck me back in.
No matter how hard they are & how much you try to make me hate my body.
You can stop trying now. It’s over. We’re done.
I love me & I love my body. EVEN IF IT ISN’T WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.