The Underlying Reason Why I Was A “4:45AM” Riser: Successful & Productive or A Slave To ED?
TRUTH BE TOLD: In the depths of my eating disorder, I got into the habit of waking up really early (even though getting out of bed was a challenge in & of itself). I’m talking “before the crack of dawn” early. 4:45 AM early…
I always found myself justifying & preaching that this habit had absolutely nothing to do with my eating disorder & that I simply enjoyed the “me-time” & being awake when the rest of the world was still asleep (Now, that wasn’t a complete cover-up or justification. It was partly true).
But, with every passing day of my journey also comes confessions & facing truths that in retrospect, I can now say I was in denial about.
A huge part of recovery is reflecting on behaviors you engaged in when you were at your lowest point, understanding why you felt the need to act or behave a certain way, coming to terms with what you struggled with & preventing repetition & ultimately, relapse.
Reflecting is also rewarding because it opens your eyes to the reality of how far you’ve come.
Having come this far, I am now able to admit, wholeheartedly, at that, that the reason I woke up THAT early wasn’t only because I enjoyed the personal “me-time” but also because ED forced me to.
ED made me believe that the longer I was awake, the more I moved & kept busy, the more I was active & on-the-go, the more successful & productive I was.
Yes, all of those things hold true for a person & a mind that isn’t disordered, but when put in the context of ED, successful & productive don’t fit their literal definitions.
Successful & productive are associated with worship, devotion & faithfulness to ED.
They mean that the earlier & longer I was awake:
– the more calories I was burning.
– the more energy I was expending.
– the more strain I was putting on my physically exhausted & drained body.
– the more I was compensating or the little food I was eating.
These are things I never would’ve admitted in the past.
8 months later, I still wake up early BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS & WITH DIFFERENT MOTIVATIONS (none of which are subconscious, forced, underlying or have anything to do with expending energy I don’t have).
I wake up early because I still love being awake when everyone else is asleep. But also (& more importantly), because I can.
Because getting out of bed is no longer a struggle in & of itself.
Because I’m healthy, happy, strong & committed to a routine that’s become my way of life.
I wake up early to be successful & productive, but I’m proud to say that these words now fit their literal definitions:
A super energized woman who wakes up with a burst of energy, lots to do, communicate to YOU (my loves!), cook, learn, write & share.
A woman who owes her success to HERSELF.
Who deserves to pat herself on the shoulder every now & then & deserves to be PROUD of how far she’s come.
Just how much she’s been able to accomplish ON HER OWN.
A woman whose mind is no longer disordered & who is able to understand the real meaning of what it means to be successful & productive TO & FOR NOBODY BUT HERSELF.