Tonight, let’s talk about the things I don’t miss about my eating disorder.
I don’t miss being consumed by the idea of food.
I don’t miss doing house chores to burn off every meal I ate, until I felt like I was going to pass out.
I don’t miss seeing my family devastated & frustrated as they watched me slowly kill myself.
I don’t miss pretending that I didn’t need help.
I don’t miss the pain, discomfort or suffering.
I don’t miss the chills, the layers of clothing I had to wear mid-summer to protect my skeletal body or the excessive amount of body hair.
I don’t miss the feeling of guilt & shame when I ate something that wasn’t on my “safe foods” list.
I don’t miss eating the same thing every single day at the exact same time (& freaking out if I was a minute or two “late”).
I don’t miss bringing my food with me to family dinners & weekend getaways.
I don’t miss trying on clothes & floating in just about everything.
I don’t miss the measurements, weights, food & body scales.
I don’t miss going to the grocery store, emptying the shelves & buying things I’d never even eat.
I don’t miss cooking delicious food to subconsciously feed my mind as a result of the deprivation.
I don’t miss the hibernation, anxiety or avoidance of social events due to food situations.
I don’t miss being able to feel every bone in my body or my body hurting from sitting in a chair or the hour it took to find a comfy position in bed where my bones weren’t protruding.
I don’t miss being stared at with pity or being told how small, bony & fragile I looked.
I don’t miss the heart palpitations or fainting spells.
I don’t miss not being around friends & family due to the fatigue, weakness, lack of energy & isolation.
I don’t miss weighing myself a hundred times a day or body checking 24/7.
I don’t miss being envious of other people eating food that I craved.
I don’t miss lying to everyone & pushing everyone away.
I don’t miss being controlled THAT MUCH by ED.
When I look back & I think about all that I’ve gone through, it’s hard for me to imagine how I made it here today & how I didn’t just give in & let go.
Recovery is probably one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever had to face & overcome but…
What makes it easier every single day is knowing that I’m leaving each & every one of these miserable feelings & behaviours behind.
These are the reasons I chose recovery & the reasons I will continue to choose it EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
