Be Your Own Soldier: I Can Make It On My Own (& So Can You!)

Be Your Own Soldier: I Can Make It On My Own (& So Can You!)

DISCLAIMER: Yes, the lyrics I’m about to cite are from Kesha’s song “Praying”.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell.
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”.

(…)

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.

Most people read these lyrics & think about an ex.

I read them & I think about anorexia.

Yes, she ALMOST had me fooled & ALMOST convinced me that I’d be worth nothing if I let go of her & decided to stop letting her consume my being.

I took those ALMOSTs into my own hands & now I have one thing & one thing only to thank my eating disorder for: MY STRENGTH.

She turned me into someone I wasn’t.

She manipulated, destroyed, controlled, broke me & brought out the scariest & worst in me.

I went to hell & back with her.

No matter how hard anyone tried to help me get rid of her, I had to learn how to fight for myself.

But, before I could fight, I HAD TO WANT IT.

I put the truth about my eating disorder out on social media every day because I want all you warriors to know that in order to truly recover, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. FOR YOUR LIFE.

When you’re ready to do that, only then can you truly begin the journey towards saying farewell.

Recovery has taught me not to stop until I’m proud.

There are days where I wake up & want to go back to bed cause I can’t help but question why my eating disorder had to plague me.

But then, I’m reminded that there are a host of reasons why, two of which are:

1) to allow me to grow into the woman I was always meant to become &

2) to help others escape their monsters & show that FULL recovery really is possible.

I fight for me, but I fight for you too.

THOSE ARE THINGS THAT MAKE ME PROUD OF WHO I AM.

Those are the things that allow me to see the beauty:

  • in my newfound independence;

  • in getting rid of my demons;

  • in breathing;

  • in living;

  • & in what the beautiful & bright future holds for me.

I could’ve stopped a month or two ago, today, or yesterday.

But I didn’t because I fight to give myself something to be proud of everyday.

To show you (& my eating disorder) that although I reached a point where I was nearly “done”, there’s always hope & I kept hope.

There’s always a way to reverse even the worst & most fearful situations.

But in order to do that, YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN SOLDIER & YOU MUST PUT UP A FIGHT.

&

As you fight your battle, you’ll be in awe at just how STRONG you truly are.

Whatever you’re fighting, you CAN do it & you WILL.

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