All You Need In Life: Vino. Sushi. Sisters. & Routine!
Tummy full of VINO (BTW, I had KIM CRAWFORD tonight for the first time in YEARS & BTW it’s my all-time FAVE. I could drink an entire bottle. NO SHAME), sushi & shrimp.
After a “just-like-old-times” night with my two favourite girls in the world.
A night just like old times BUT FULL OF FIRSTS & MORE ACCOMPLISHMENTS!
It’s night like these that remind me how much of a toll my anorexia took on me & on everyone around me.
Each & every meal we ate together (those were RARE) was full of anxiety, anger, sadness & frustration because I was never able to be fully present.
I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone because:
I was too consumed with deciding how I would manipulate the menu to satisfy ED.
Come up with excuses for why I wasn’t hungry or had already eaten.
How I would play around with my food to make it look like I had eaten.
I was unable to force a smile because I was filled with overwhelming apprehension, guilt & shame.
While I may have been physically there, I WAS MENTALLY TRAPPED IN MY OWN HEAD.
Consumed, controlled, manipulated by my demons.
This is why a night like tonight that may seem so commonplace, normal & trivial to most, was SPECIAL to me.
I’m finally able to see how much happiness it brings NOT ONLY TO MYSELF, but to the most important people in my life, to see me in such a healthy, happy place.
I’m finally able to take life moment by moment, appreciate its beauty & simplicity.
I’m able to live freely & make decisions for myself, without a weight on my shoulder, voices weighing me down & making me feel guilty for ENJOYING LIFE, FOOD & SAVOURING EVERY MOMENT.
Tonight, I ORDERED WINE. For the 1st time in years.
I ATE SUSHI. For the 1st time in years.
I ate shrimp grilled & marinated & G-d knows what else in G-d knows what & IT WAS DELISH.
I enjoyed every bite.
I stepped out of my comfort zone.
& Yes, it’s not how I regularly eat.
BUT WHO CARES.
This is what life is all about.
Routine & consistency is EVERYTHING, but SOMETIMES, you just have to treat yourself.
You have to step out of your routine & LIVE A LITTLE.
Tonight, THAT’S WHAT I DID.
Tomorrow, BACK TO MY ROUTINE, but with a few more accomplishments under my belt to brag about.
AND SUNDAY MORNING, RIGHT BACK TO MY ROUTINE!!!