Welcome Back Curves! I Missed You a.k.a. Hello-Femininity: HEY GIRL, HEY!
Those of you who knew me before my ED know that I was always a curvy girl.
You can imagine that slowly but surely, anorexia succeeded at making my curves slip away quite efficiently, until I basically had none left.
Unfortunately, that was something I came to love simply because it became all I knew.
All I worshipped.
All I strived for.
Nothing was ever enough.
No matter how many of my bones were popping.
How frail & skeletal I looked.
How weak I felt…
Anorexia always found a way to manipulate me to strive for more (or should I say, less).
One less pound.
One less gram.
One less inch.
One less ounce.
As I contemplated recovery, I wondered what I would do & how I would react when my curves started to come back.
It was something I thought about quite frequently & on some days, it consumed my thoughts so much that it frightened me.
But then, as I entered recovery, I realized that I had spent far too long knowing & caring, being exact, precise & accurate & right on the dot.
Enter the new chapter:
Not giving a damn.
Not checking how many grams were in the food I was eating to make sure it would balance with my weight on the scale when I stepped on minutes after finishing my inadequate meal.
Not wrapping my fingers around my arms or legs to body check.
Magically, as that new chapter unfolded, the curves came back.
They came back because they were ALWAYS meant to be a part of me.
Let’s put it this way: They simply went on a short sabbatical.
But with strength & perseverance, I let them find their way back to me.
Now, they fill my body.
They give me cushion.
They make me feel strong.
They make it a little bit harder to zip my jeans, let alone slip into them.
They make my clothes look flattering.
They make it easy to buy bras.
They warm me up & make me look like a woman.
Thanks to them, I no longer feel like a fragile piece of glass with the potential to shatter at the touch of a finger.
Ever since they’ve come back, I’ve developed the ability to no longer think about them.
At the end of the day, there really is nothing to think about.
They are a part of me.
A part of who I am.
They’re not going anywhere.
So, now instead of spending days wondering how I’m going to react as they reappear, I welcome them back with open arms.
I embrace them.
I cherish them.
I flaunt them.
I say hello to femininity.
HEY, GIRL, HEY!