Sorry Anorexia. I Love My Family, Friends, Myself & Life More Than I Will Ever Love You. In Fact, I Hate You.
Tonight, I’m going to a wedding for the first time in ages.
TBH, I’ve missed every single family & friend event in the past two years.
Kelly was always a “no-show”.
At first, people would ask where I was, why I didn’t show up & if I was okay. They genuinely didn’t know why.
But overtime, unfortunately, people got used to it. Silently, everybody knew why I wasn’t there & it became almost redundant to ask.
You see, the thing is, anorexia turned me into a cold-hearted, isolated B*.
Basically, she made me forget anybody else existed, except her, of course.
I worshipped her so hard that she became my world.
Going to events meant I was betraying her.
It meant I was being disloyal.
It meant I was doing something she didn’t approve of, something she’d condemn me for & ultimately, something she would do everything in her power to make me hate myself for.
So, to answer your unasked questions:
The reason I never showed up is not because I didn’t want to.
It’s not because I loved you any less.
It’s simply because anorexia made me LOVE HER MORE.
And because I loved her more, I hibernated.
I felt guilty.
I did everything to not let her make me hate me more than I already did.
That self-hatred broke my heart slowly every single day, until it shattered.
And it was up to me to leave the little pieces on the floor until they melted away (& me, with them).
To piece them back together, slowly, progressively BUT SURELY.
I chose option two.
& Here I am, on my way to this wedding, taking part in that continuous process of piecing my heart back together again.
Making it whole.
Making me whole.
Telling anorexia that I love my family, friends, myself & life MORE THAN I LOVE HER.