Sorry Anorexia. I Love My Family, Friends, Myself & Life More Than I Will Ever Love You. In Fact, I Hate You.

Tonight, I’m going to a wedding for the first time in ages.

TBH, I’ve missed every single family & friend event in the past two years.

Kelly was always a “no-show”.

At first, people would ask where I was, why I didn’t show up & if I was okay. They genuinely didn’t know why.

But overtime, unfortunately, people got used to it. Silently, everybody knew why I wasn’t there & it became almost redundant to ask.

You see, the thing is, anorexia turned me into a cold-hearted, isolated B*.

Basically, she made me forget anybody else existed, except her, of course.

I worshipped her so hard that she became my world.

Going to events meant I was betraying her.

It meant I was being disloyal.

It meant I was doing something she didn’t approve of, something she’d condemn me for & ultimately, something she would do everything in her power to make me hate myself for.

So, to answer your unasked questions:

The reason I never showed up is not because I didn’t want to.

It’s not because I loved you any less.

It’s simply because anorexia made me LOVE HER MORE.

And because I loved her more, I hibernated.

I cried.

I felt guilty.

I did everything to not let her make me hate me more than I already did.

That self-hatred broke my heart slowly every single day, until it shattered.

And it was up to me to leave the little pieces on the floor until they melted away (& me, with them).

OR

To piece them back together, slowly, progressively BUT SURELY.

I chose option two.

& Here I am, on my way to this wedding, taking part in that continuous process of piecing my heart back together again.

Making it whole.

Making me whole.

&

Telling anorexia that I love my family, friends, myself & life MORE THAN I LOVE HER.

Sucks, eh?