Hey Cupid, Waddup? Thanks For Showing Me What It Means to LOVE MYSELF.
Hey Cupid, waddup?
Thanks for showing me what it means to LOVE MYSELF.
Six months ago, had you asked me what it meant to love myself, I would’ve given you all sorts of answers that were a clear indication that my self-worth & love were defined by:
What I defined as “accomplishments” or “progress” (which, in retrospect, were actually traps & setbacks sinking me deeper into the shipwreck that is anorexia).
I had moments.
Moments where I “loved” myself cause anorexia let me.
She let me because she was satisfied that she’d succeeded in sucking me right back into her master plan to run me down to the bone & to ruin & destroy my life.
In turn, she let me “love” myself.
But, I also had moments where I hated myself.
Moments where I fell short of what anorexia wanted from me & I failed.
Moments where anorexia’s plan fell out of whack & she was angry so she didn’t let me love myself.
She made me hate me.
Looking back, I can now say with utmost certainty that the moments I thought I loved myself were actually the darkest, scariest, gut wrenching moments of my life.
I sure as hell didn’t love myself.
It’s true what they say: Sometimes, love is blind.
I was so blinded by anorexia & by the control she exerted over me that I couldn’t see that I was literally SELF-DESTRUCTING in order to satisfy something that had my ultimate worst interest in mind.
I trusted someone (Yes, you, anorexia) that wanted to kill me.
Those moments where I thought I hated myself?
Those were all missed opportunities.
Opportunities that I could have taken to step up to the plate, slap anorexia in the face & tell her to peace out.
But I DIDN’T.
Because I couldn’t.
I COULDN’T because she had a way of messing with me so hard that self-hate was all I could see.
In retrospect, I needed to miss every single one of those opportunities to learn the true meaning of SELF-LOVE.
I had to crash & break & fall & bawl & cry & crumble & almost DIE to learn to appreciate THE TRUE VALUE OF A BREATH.
All of this was so foreign to me when anorexia & I were “in love”.
But now that she’s gone, I LOVE ME.
IT’S FOR REAL!