Anorexia, You Can Take Your “Almosts” Right Back To The Cave With You. They Have No Place Here.
Lovies, I am REACHING OUT to you RN.
We all have vulnerable moments & tonight is one of those for me.
Tonight, I’m feeling in a bit of a rut.
I’m feeling really squishy in all the wrong places.
This morning, I woke up & felt great.
Tonight, not so much.
Tonight, I really feel the gains.
Tonight, I’m hurting.
I’m hurting but instead of curling up into a little ball, hiding & crying like I would have just a few months ago, I’m fighting.
I’m fighting with myself.
I’m fighting with my mind.
I’m talking to my inner-self.
I’m trying to convince it to embrace this squish.
To savour it.
To LOVE it.
To be thankful for it.
For it is the reason I am alive today.
BUT, I feel the negative voices right now too.
This is the perfect example of how & why eating disorder recovery is the WILDEST ROLLERCOASTER OF YOUR LIFE.
It’s one of those experiences where you literally wake up feeling like a million bucks but then, night time rolls around & you feel as though you’re being sucked back into that dark, devastating hole.
The one that starved you.
The one that ALMOST killed you.
Tonight, the one thing that’s keeping me going & allowing me to fight the voices coming back is the keyword:
Nearly 6 months ago, I was strong enough to make the choice to STOP ANOREXIA IN HER TRACKS…
When she almost made it.
When she almost killed me.
When she almost took me away from this world.
If I was THAT strong then, I sure as hell am strong enough now.
I’m stronger than the voices.
I’m stronger than this squish. I’m stronger than the gains.
I’m stronger than you, ANOREXIA.
YOU ALMOST MADE MY HEART STOP.
YOU ALMOST KILLED ME.
YOU ALMOST MADE ME MELT AWAY.
YOU ALMOST MADE ME BREAK.
YOU ALMOST MADE ME GET SO FAR INTO THE CAVE THAT THERE WAS NO WAY OUT.
But, your “almost” didn’t quite go as planned, did it?
And guess what?
You’re not coming back to haunt me.
Your second attempt at “almost“?
YA, nice try.
A+ for effort.
But it isn’t going as planned either.
Let me go embrace this squish & these curves.
I’ve come too far to let you back in. Sorry not sorry.