I hope you all had a beautiful day!
It’s time for me to go a little Motivational Fridays on you
(It’s been a while & well today, I actually need to rant).
This week was hard. Weight-gain wise, it was really hard. I don’t know why. It just was.
The gains keep coming on & yes; it’s a GOOD THING because believe it or not, I’m still on my way up to being in a “healthy weight-range”. But, this doesn’t change the fact that putting on all this weight took a
little (HECK OF A) toll on me this week.
What I am thankful for, however, is that it did not take enough of a toll to make me spiral out of control, to make me question my decision to recover or to let anorexia back in, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.
But, I did get anxious.
I did do a couple double-takes in the mirror.
I did have some self-hate thoughts.
I did shed a few tears.
I did look back at some old pictures (which, by the way, kind of scared me!)
I did do a lot of thinking & A HECK OF A LOT OF MINDWORK.
But ultimately, how did I cope?
First & foremost, I realized that I COULDN’T HATE MYSELF INTO LOVING MYSELF.
If I could have, I would have gotten there already.
If restricting could have made me feel better about myself, I wouldn’t have been having anxiety & panic attacks every night.
I wouldn’t have FLIPPED THE EFF OUT every time I ate dinner past 4:45 PM or ate an extra cherry tomato or rice cake.
I wouldn’t have been a walking freaking skeleton for two years.
AND THEN, IN TURN, I realized that LOVING MYSELF FOR ONCE IS MAGICALLY WONDERFUL!
I realized that looking myself in the mirror and saying “I am good enough” sparked a MASSIVE change in me.
Making the effort to take care of my body, nourish it, be kind to it, feed it & BEST OF ALL, LOVE IT, instead of punishing it for existing is THE MOST REWARDING THING IN THE WORLD.
AND, when hating yourself keeps you trapped inside a HORRIBLE mind that slowly gets smaller & smaller with EVERY NEGATIVE THOUGHT, INSULT, INSECURITY, TRIGGER & BIT OF ANXIETY, I realized that I chose recovery for a reason…
& that I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH!
& that I chose recovery because I DESERVED IT & I am not about to let myself BE TRAPPED IN THAT MIND AGAIN.
What also helped me cope with the weight gain this week was looking back on where I came from.
It helped snapped me back into reality.
It brought me back to the dark, isolated, HORRID, gut wrenching, heartbreaking, FREAKING DISGUSTING truth of what anorexia did to me.
It reminded me how freaking ill I was, not just physically, but mentally & emotionally as well.
How I could barely go up a flight of stairs without getting heart palpitations.
How my hair was falling out & thinning.
How cold I was, all the time, even when everyone around me was sweating.
How my anxiety reached highs I had never in my life seen before.
How I hated my body & how bony & gross I looked when I smiled or laughed (If I ever did).
How I avoided any and all social gatherings AT ALL COSTS, especially those involving food because I did not even want (& really, I did not even have the strength) to leave my house.
And so, whenever I felt those anorexia-infused thoughts coming on or a trigger took hold of me or Anorexia literally spoke to me & tried to convince me to take a little break from my meal plan, to skip lunch because I’m not that hungry or to weigh myself before dinner to make sure I didn’t take overdo it that day,
I looked back on all the CRAP anorexia put me through & I reminded myself:
WHY RECOVERY IS SO WORTH IT.
WHY IT’S THE MOST WORTH IT THING IN THE WORLD.
WHY THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “TAKING A LITTLE BREAK”, “SKIPPING LUNCH”, OR “WEIGHING MYSELF BEFORE DINNER TO MAKE SURE I DIDN’T OVERDO IT”.
I look back into my past, into that deep dark cave, the cave that at one point in time seemed to have no exit & it helps me TO NEVER EVER REPEAT IT AGAIN.
Now I know what it’s like to live IN THE LIGHT.
To be out of that cave.
To have found the exit.
AND TO LIVE.
And, I’ll take life over HELL for a little while longer.