On this 7th day of June, I AM A SOLID FOUR MONTHS INTO RECOVERY FROM ANOREXIA.
This is a HUGE milestone for me. I mean, I don’t do math & stuff but I’m pretty sure that four months is like 1/3 of the year… WOAH!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I know what you munchkins are thinking, what’s four months, right? I mean, you know what they say about relationships… how a couple only starts to get serious once they hit that six-month mark.
BUT, let me tell y’all, my relationship with anorexia is a little bit different. You see, it reached its MOST SERIOUS point when I was faced with death, LITERALLY. And from that day forward, let’s just say, although anorexia & I started to drift apart, STUFF GOT REAL SERIOUS… but in a different way than most “relationships” do as time goes by.
LET ME EXPLAIN.
A lot of people have this misconception that recovery from an eating disorder is as easy as “sit down & eat”. BUT, I think by now, I’ve shown you that there is SO MUCH MORE TO IT than just that.
Within the past four months, let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of:
ups & downs
highs & lows
laughs & cries (hysterical ones, even!)
& accomplishments & setbacks.
BUT, looking back from where I am now, I am MOST proud of myself for ALWAYS, AND I MEAN, ALWAYS, GETTING BACK UP & MOVING FORWARD (Even though sometimes, I’ll admit that the easiest thing for me to do would’ve been to lock myself in my bedroom, cry & hide under my covers not knowing when I’d ever come out).
And on the topic of MOVING FORWARD & RACKING UP THOSE ACCOMPLISHMENTS, let me tell you munchkins a bit about where I’m at four months in.
(1) I am STILL (HAPPILY) BROKEN UP WITH MY SCALE.
Said breakup was really hard & scary, BUT IT WAS (& STILL IS) THE MOST LIBERATING THING IN THE WORLD. I basically thought of my scale as a security blanket – as long as I had it RIGHT UNDER MY NIGHTSTAND, it felt like I had some sort of control. BUT IN REALITY, little did I know, the scale controlled me. IT WAS NOT A SECURITY BLANKET… It was a ball & chain.
And you know how they say, “Destroy what destroys you?” Well that’s what I did. I mean, I did not get to grind my scale to a pulp like I may have wanted to, BUT, SYMBOLICALLY, I FOUND THE STRENGTH TO DESTROY WHAT HAD TRIED TO DESTROY ME (Keyword? “TRIED”, a.k.a. ANOREXIA, NICE TRY. A FOR EFFORT. BUT, IT DIDN’T WORK. YOU DID NOT SUCCEED). And, let me tell you that this was the most monumental breakup I’ve ever been through.
My loves, the only thing a scale can tell you is about your relationship with gravity. RECOVERY IS ABOUT DEFYING GRAVITY. NO SCALE, no, not even the most expensive one, can measure how much we are LOVED or how incredibly PRECIOUS WE ARE.
(2) And, in the spirit of DEFYING GRAVITY, I AM THE MOST CONFIDENT I HAVE EVER BEEN. I guess that’s what happens when you recognize your own inner beauty & give up the superficial.
For those of you who know me, you know that months ago, I was that girl. Yep, the one who placed SO MUCH (TOO MUCH), HECK, ALL HER EMPHASIS, ON OUTER BEAUTY, on hair, makeup, clothes & brand names (If you are THAT GIRL, no I am not judging you. I am just making the distinction between who I was & who I am today).
TODAY, it’s all about that INNER BEAUTY (And yes, my loves, this means that I now leave my house without makeup on, I don’t obsessively straighten, wand or curl my hair & I am perfectly content in a pair of cute sweats & a white tee).
AND, INNER BEAUTY IS ABOUT:
Finding your inner strength & channelling it into overcoming adversity, trauma and life’s many obstacles & challenges.
Recognizing your ability to SHOW those you love how much you care about them & how much you value them.
Recognizing that you are LOVED & CARED FOR!
Accepting that you are not perfect & that you never will be, no matter how hard you try & MOST OF ALL, accepting that THAT’S OKAY.
Developing the ability to let go not only of the things bringing you down (or at least, trying real hard to), but also of routine, a.k.a. developing the ability to STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. TO TRY NEW THINGS. & TO BE SPONTANEOUS.
And most of all?
LOVING YOURSELF for a million + 1 different reasons!
(And no, not because of a number on a scale, a concealer or a foundation smothered all over your face, a supa-fly fresh blowdry or your new brand name jeans).
(3) I HAVE MAINTAINED THEM TRIPLE-DIGIT GAINS!
In fact, NOT ONLY HAVE I MAINTAINED THEM, but they’re going up (on a Wednesday! – TOTZ. MAKING THAT A THING!). AND BY GOING UP, I mean, consistently!
And the best part? I am FLIPPING HAPPY ABOUT THE GAINS.
They DO NOT GIVE ME ANXIETY.
They DO NOT MAKE ME CRY (Like they used to).
They DO NOT BRING ME DOWN.
They DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL FAT (Although they do make it hard to zip up my jeans, but I pretty much live in athletic wear anyways, so who cares, right? STRETCH FTW!).
They DO NOT DEMOTIVATE ME.
They DO NOT SET ME BACK (Not even a baby step back!).
They DO NOT HINDER MY PROGRESS (They just encourage it!).
They DO NOT MAKE ME DIVERT FROM MY MEAL PLAN (A.k.a. eat less).
& THEY DO NOT MAKE ME GO BACK TO MY OLD WAYS, NOPE, NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM! (In fact, they actually SCARE ME AWAY FROM THEM!).
(4) I have developed & re-developed the most beautiful, REAL friendships with NEW & OLD FRIENDS.
People have reached out to me from near & far, heck, from ALL OVER THE WORLD & have taught me that those who love you, care for you & cherish you WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO REACH OUT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT’S BEEN, NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY THEY ARE & NO MATTER HOW HARD THAT INITIAL MESSAGE/PHONE CALL IS TO MAKE. They will make it. And the rest is history! Basically, all this to say:
TO ALL MY NEW FRIENDS, I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET YOU, TALK TO YOU, and WELCOME YOU INTO MY LIFE, to share my story & my knowledge with you, BUT MOSTLY, to have had the privilege to inspire & motivate you, even in the littlest way possible.
TO ALL MY OLD FRIENDS, I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU BACK IN MY LIFE. I know that at some point in time, when anorexia literally robbed me of my very last bit of freedom to LIVE, YES, TO LIVE, you guys may have felt as though I forgot about you or no longer loved or cared about you. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN REAL HARD TO DEAL WITH & I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart. BUT today, please trust me when I tell you that I never ever forgot about you & I never will. I always loved you & I still do & I WILL ALWAYS CARE ABOUT YOU.
And last but CERTAINLY, not least:
(5) I have 902840384029840239042384092 recipes up my sleeves (pants, underwear, bras & socks, ERGO, I HAVE NO WHERE LEFT TO STUFF THEM!!!) to share with you munchkins, to fill your tummies, to make ‘em dance & sing & to throw cray-cray ALL-NIGHTER PARTAYS IN YOUR MOUTHS! I’M KEEPIN’ ‘EM COMING. PROMISE!
And so, TONIGHT, on my anniversary, NOT ONLY did I whip up a CHOCOLATE STORM, because I mean, what’s an anniversary SANS CHOCOLATE?
But I also DID LOTS & LOTS OF SELF-REFLECTION. And said reflection has made me realize…
WHAT A FREAKING WARRIOR I AM!
(YES, EVEN IF I’M STILL KINDA LITTLE, but getting a bit chub in the process!!!!!)
Here’s to a FIFTH SUCCESSFUL MONTH!!!!!!
I’LL DRINK TO THAT! Who’s coming with?