From Zero to One Hundred Real Quick a.k.a. When-You-See-Those-Triple-Digits-On-The-Scale-&-Can’t-Help-But-Dance-The-Day-Away!
Hi my loves!
I’VE GOT A HELLA MOTIVATIONAL ONE FOR YOU RN. So, pour that cup of tea, froth that milk & pour that latte AND TREAT YO’SELF TO A COOKIE ON THE SIDE. This one is going to be a LONG, BUT GREAT READ!
Boy, do I ever have a FREAKING ACCOMPLISHMENT & A HALF to share with you munchkins tonight!!! I am in the BEST. MOOD. EVER. No joke. Like, wow, the amount of happy dances I’ve done today compensates for all the ones I missed out on when anorexia tried to kill me SLOWLY (for almost two freaking years). Basically, it’s safe to say, I DANCED THE DAY AWAY (not to mention the two, or three, or four, or A MILLION dances I did as I tried to get into, LET ALONE ZIP UP MY JEANS. FML. Leggings, FTW!). Honestly, I’ll take leggings (Especially if they are Lulus) over anorexia any day!
So I just realized that I ranted about said accomplishment for an entire paragraph without even telling you munchkins what it is. You ready for this? I gave you a little hint on Instagram earlier today… & a lot of you figured it out…
TRIPLE DIGITS. TRIPLE DIGITS. TRIPLE DIGITS.
GUYS, TODAY, JUNE 1ST, 2017, I HIT 100.
I FREAKING HIT 100.
Saying it is the MOST REWARDING THING IN THE WORLD RN.
Oh & what a way to start the MONTH & THE SUMMER!
Basically, today’s accomplishment is the definition of:
Why making recovery my main goal & priority was the BEST DECISION IN THE WORLD! (And nope, I wouldn’t have it ANY OTHER WAY. EVER.)
Why recovering from an eating disorder is the MOST “WORTH-IT” THING IN THE WORLD!
Why letting go of the things that you do not want (that no longer serve you, make you grow, support you, value you or make you better) is the only way to become who you are MEANT TO BE. Only YOU can be YOU. Embrace that. Rock it. Live it.
Why commitment, devotion, dedication & motivation are some of THE MOST NECESSARY COMPONENTS TO EATING DISORDER RECOVERY. Yes, even if some people try to tell you that you are “too motivated”, “too committed” to your meal plan & meal times or that you are “too dedicated” to your recovery.
Recovery is NOT POSSIBLE without these traits, so if you have ‘em, HANG ON TO ‘EM!
If you don’t, YOU’LL GET THERE. I PROMISE. IT TAKES MIND WORK (a heck of a lot of it), BUT YOU CAN DO THIS, MY LOVES. & do not despair, I am here to GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT.
Why you should NEVER EVER, I REPEAT, NEVER EVER, let the haters bring you down, demotivate you or derail you from your goals & progress. Sadly, that is their goal. Show them your strength. Show them you won’t let them do that, no matter how harsh their behaviour might be & no matter how hard they try (& Let me tell you, sometimes, they try real freaking hard).
And lastly, today’s accomplishment is ALSO THE REASON WHY MY CLOTHES NO LONGER FIT! BUT, whatever… Like I said, I’ll take
LEGGINGS, oops, I mean LULUS, over ANOREXIA any day.
Now, I didn’t actually go from zero to one hundred real quick.
For starters, I obviously did not START AT ZERO. Or else, I wouldn’t be here RN (I mean… not even a newborn starts at zero). But you catch my drift.
What I’m really referring to when I say “zero” is GROUND ZERO. As you all know, unfortunately, it took reaching ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM… HECK, MORE THAN ROCK BOTTOM, for me to make the best decision of my life to tell anorexia to PEACE THE EFF OUT. It took being faced with death. LITERALLY. I looked death right in the eye. This, my loves, IMO, is the definition of zero.
Zero is not knowing if (& when ) I’ll collapse & have a heart attack.
Zero is walking up the stairs & literally feeling like I’m about to die.
Zero is eating the same thing every day & freaking the eff out if I SLIGHTLY divert from my routine.
Zero is being defined by numbers.
Zero is my scale being my best friend, but also my all-time-worst enemy.
Zero is isolating myself.
Zero is shutting out my family & friends who CARE & LOVE ME.
Zero is ANOREXIA. ANOREXIA IS GROUND ZERO.
But, what’s freaking awesome about recovery is how quickly that ZERO can turn into 100. BUT…
When I say “real quick”, I’ll be honest; it did not happen as quickly as I would have liked it to. I began my journey towards anorexia recovery on February 7, 2017. And only today, a little bit less than four months later, I’ve reached 100 pounds, which is by no means, my goal, NOR IS IT CONSIDERED a HEALTHY WEIGHT for my height & age in any way shape or form.
TBH, this is A BIT DEMOTIVATING. To know that I put in so much hard work, commitment, dedication & that I’ve had good days, bad days, mediocre days, bloated-AF days, bod-feeling-awesome days, horrible-crying-my-eyes-out days, and amazing-doing-happy-dance days & that I am still not at a healthy weight is hard to accept.
But you know what? I’m not going to be greedy.
You know why?
100 POUNDS IS HEALTHIER THAN I WAS FOUR MONTHS AGO.
100 pounds is MORE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED 4 months ago… (Need I remind you that my lowest-low was 79 pounds?). Heck, I did not even think getting back up to 90 was LEGITIMATE OR POSSIBLE, let alone hitting them triple digits.
I feel like a CHANGED & DIFFERENT PERSON in so many different ways – physically, emotionally, mentally, educationally, & socially. And this, in THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE. In fact, those closest to me have recently been telling me that they FINALLY HAVE A “NEW & IMPROVED KELLY” & that they are so proud of the person I have become.
I swear, sometimes I tell myself that anorexia LITERALLY HAD TO HAPPEN TO ME (I’m a firm believer in the saying that “everything happens for a reason”) to change me in all the ways that it has thus far (Sounds a little crazy, right? But you munchkins have no idea how much recovery has helped me work on myself, not only to recover from this horrible illness but also to become the person I was truly meant to be).
I’ve learned more about health, nutrition, skincare & wellness in the last four months than I ever have in my ENTIRE LIFE.
I’ve accepted, found ways to cope with & most importantly, OPENED UP about my eating disorder, not only to those closest to me, BUT TO THE FREAKING INTERNET, a.k.a. to the world.
I’ve helped & inspired more people in the last four months than I have in my entire life (& this, my loves, is THE SECOND MOST REWARDING THING IN THE WORLD, recovery being the first. Sorry babies! But think about it for a sec, if it weren’t for recovery, I wouldn’t be inspiring you!)
I’ve FINALLY grieved my mother’s passing & BROKEN DOWN, CRUMBLED, CRUSHED, HECK, FREAKING KILLED that really-really-really strong-AF wall that I had put up & that I thought would never ever, ever, ever come down.
I no longer feel like I’m about to pass out after walking or going up stairs for like a minute.
I eat whatever the eff I want without a care in the world!
My food blog is rocking RN. Yes, I’m bragging. Yes, you can judge me all you want. Don’t care! All I know is that I’ve filled your tummies & made them dance & most of all, I’ve shown (or well, I’VE AT LEAST TRIED TO SHOW) you beautiful people that it’s possible to eat (DEVOUR) delicious, healthy, clean & EVEN FAT-RICH foods, without feeling deprived (a.k.a. HANGRY).
And lastly, I’ve learned one of the most valuable lessons thus far: People’s TRUE COLORS WILL ALWAYS SHINE IN THE WORST, HARDEST, MOST HORRIBLE, HEARTWRENCHING, SADDEST, heck… DEADLIEST of times.
These colors will teach you one of two things:
1) that certain people LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY & WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT, AT ANY TIME & ANY PLACE. BASICALLY, 24/7 (No matter how long you disappeared for, how long it’s been since you last spoke & how much they may feel like you let them down) &
2) that certain people that you THOUGHT would be there will ABANDON YOU, heck, forget you even EXIST. But, my loves, remember that “sticks & stones” song we used to sing in the school yard when we were young… yeah well, STICKS & STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS (OR LACK THEREOF) WILL NEVER HURT ME.
ALL THIS TO SAY, it truly is your worst moments in life, your lowest lows, your rock bottoms THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO SEE WHO WILL STEP UP TO THE PLATE & WHO WILL SIMPLY LET YOU DOWN AND/OR FORGET THAT YOU EXIST.
So yep, like I said, I will not be greedy.
Yes, 100 pounds may not be where I need to be to say that I am fully recovered, BUT, MY JOURNEY TOWARDS THIS ONE-HUNDRED HAS BEEN & IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST THE NUMBER.
In fact, another important life lesson that I have retained throughout my journey is that it’s that it’s not about the number.
Numbers once did, but do not, should not & will never define me again.
And I’m not only talking about the numbers on the scale (ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT THAT NUMBER MADE ME REAL FREAKING HAPPY-AF TODAY). I’m talking about jean sizes, calories, the amount of cherry tomatoes I consume (NOW, I’ll eat the pint without a care in the world), the number of snacks I allow myself to have throughout the day (I mean… I CAN’T EVEN KEEP TRACK THESE DAYS, BABIES!)… I could go on for days, but basically, what I’m trying to express is that OVERCOMING HARDSHIP IS NOT ABOUT THE END RESULT. IT’S ABOUT THE JOURNEY.
It’s about HOW YOU GET THERE.
It’s about WHAT YOU LEARN IN THE PROCESS.
It’s about how the journey CHANGES YOU.
It’s about what the journey MAKES YOU REALIZE & ACKNOWLEDGE.
It’s about ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance that you have a MENTAL ILLNESS. Accepting that THOSE WHO LOVE YOU WILL BE THERE FOR YOU (& LETTING THEM HELP & DO JUST THAT). Accepting that certain people will (SHOCKINGLY) abandon you, belittle you & blame you for said mental illness (BUT NOT LETTING THEM HINDER YOUR PROGRESS).
And most of all, it’s about COMING OUT STRONGER (Physically & emotionally), COMING OUT A WARRIOR. COMING OUT AS SUPERWOMAN.
And so, today, after hitting 100, I have taken & embraced the opportunity to reflect on where I was four months ago & where I am today.
It’s been a heck of a journey. It’s been hard.
I’ve had horrible days.
I’ve had great days.
I’ve broken down. I’ve laughed my brains out until I cried. I’ve been through hell & back (but also been to all kinds of FOOD HEAVEN).
But, it’s safe to say that TODAY, I SAY WITH UTTER, COMPLETE, TOTAL CONFIDENCE THAT I WOULD NEVER, EVER LOOK BACK. NOT EVER.
I think about the person I was four months ago & it genuinely scares me. It scares me to know that this mental illness affects so many, that it’s undermined, denied & that its effects are so badly underestimated.
BUT THAT’S WHY I’M HERE, MY LOVES.
I am here for two reasons:
TO CHANGE THAT STIGMA. TO MAKE YOU REALIZE THAT ANOREXIA LITERALLY TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE & THAT IT IS NOT, I REPEAT, IT IS NOT A CHOICE. I’ll leave it at that because having been directly blamed for choosing it, it gets me VERY, VERY ANGRY to have to prove the contrary.
As PURE, HARD, RAW EVIDENCE that no matter how scary your life looks right now, no matter how bad it is, no matter what you are going through, no matter how dark that tunnel is, no matter how impossible it seems to find an exit, YOU CAN & YOU WILL.
It’s a journey. A long one. A hard one. A gut-wrenching one. One that will make you want to give up some days,
BUT ONE THAT WILL ALSO PROVE TO BE SO FREAKING WORTH IT & REWARDING WHEN YOU FINALLY SEE TANGIBLE RESULTS.
And that is where I am today, my loves. I reached 100. This is a tangible result. I did a happy dance. Or two. Or three. Or a million. BUT, I STILL HAVE WAYS TO GO. & I’m going.
And NOTHING & NOBODY IS GOING TO STOP ME OR STAND IN MY WAY; NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY (So to all those who were planning on trying, GOOD LUCK).
Oh & to you, SCALE, thanks for making me THE HAPPIEST GIRL ON THE PLANET TODAY. I never would’ve thought you had the ability to do so (on the weight-gain front, of course), BUT YOU DO. YOU REALLY, TRULY DO. This totally does not mean we are getting back together though. Sorry, not sorry. I’m done with you. I told you. NUMBERS NO LONGER DEFINE ME. THEY NEVER WILL.
THAT 100 YOU SHOWED ME TODAY, yeah, it means more than just 100 pounds.
IT MEANS I’M KILLING IT. IT MEANS ANOREXIA IS LEGIT MY B. & BEST OF ALL, IT MEANS I’M GOING TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON.
I’M ALREADY LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT NEXT MILESTONE.
Here’s to hoping it happens EVEN FASTER THIS TIME, but hey, if it doesn’t? Who cares!!!!! It’ll give me the opportunity, heck, the privilege, to MAKE EVEN MORE PROGRESS, & NO, I’M NOT ONLY TALKING PHYSICALLY. I’M TALKING AS A WHOLE. AS A PERSON.
AS THE “NEW & IMPROVED KELLY”.
Love you munchkins!
& Thank you AGAIN, from the bottom of my heart for all your LOVE & SUPPORT. EACH & EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU has contributed to this 100, in so many ways, in so many shapes, in so many forms, BUT BEST OF ALL, WITH OPEN ARMS. SHOULDERS TO CRY ON & THE MOST LOVE IN THE WORLD.
NOW, for the PROGRESS PICS!!!