Rise & shine! & Happy Tuesday!
So, yesterday was MOTIVATIONAL MONDAYS, BUT I was legit so busy in the kitch doing all my meal preppin’ that it slipped my mind! (WOAH!), so… you know what that means? TODAY IS MOTIVATIONAL TUESDAYS (We all know I have this ability to make things that aren’t things “things”).
& On this Tuesday (SUNNY-ISH) morning in MTL, here I am about to
tell (OOPS, I MEAN RANT) you munchkins all about this week’s progress.
OKAY, so I think it’s safe to say that the PHYSICAL PROGRESS is there & keeps improving, literally, Every. Single. Day. That’s definitely REASSURING, SUPER-DUPER MOTIVATING & ÜBER-REWARDING. I’m SO PROUD TO SAY that seeing the numbers climb up on that scale does not give me an OUNCE OF ANXIETY & is RATHER, making me HAPPIER THAN EVER BEFORE.
I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again, it’s CRAZY how things literally have such a way of taking a turn for the better, especially when you HAVE THE ABILITY TO TAKE MATTERS IN YOUR OWN HANDS, ERGO, TO TAKE CONTROL & LET IT HAPPEN
Bye Anorexia, Bye!
ANYWHO lovies, enough about the scale!!!!! (She’s so long gone, it’s nuts. LIKE WE BROKE UP MONTHS AGO & I DIDN’T EVEN MISS HER FOR LIKE A SEC. GUESS IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE! You know what they say, right? Everything happens for a reason & sometimes things fall apart, so BETTER THINGS CAN FALL TOGETHER!)
The thing about recovery is that IT’S NOT ONLY ABOUT THE PHYSICAL PROGRESS. In fact, it is even more about the MENTAL & EMOTIONAL PROGRESS, because realistically, it is often (ACTUALLY, PRETTY MUCH, ALWAYS) those two aspects that render one unable to ESCAPE the scary (HELL) called anorexia.
And so today, I’m here to talk to you munchkins about my emotional & mental progress & I really could not be prouder & more impressed with myself!!!!
As you all know, anorexia turned me into the equivalent of a BEAR HIBERNATING DURING THE WINTER. Literally. She pushed me into isolation from my VERY close family & friends, to the point where I LITERALLY HATED, & I MEAN, HATED (& could not even stand the idea of) being around people. It was a scary thing when weighing out my options: To go or not to go & the answer was always NOT TO. It actually became so automatic that at a certain point, there was no longer an option. It was a fact: Kelly is staying home. AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
BUT THEN, THINGS TURNED AROUND. AND I’M TALKIN’ A COMPLETE 360, HECK A 720.
As the weeks throughout my recovery process have gone by, I’ve realized that I’m becoming (or should I say RE-BECOMING) that social butterfly that I always was (which, by the way, is TOTZ something I GOT FROM MY MAMA). Suddenly, I have this continuous, everlasting desire to reconnect with family & old friends, open up to them about what I’m going through & MOST OF ALL, THIS CRAY-CRAY DESIRE TO ACTUALLY LEAVE MY HOUSE & GO OUT.
I’m no longer ashamed of what I went through, what I am going through & what I will continue to go through. AND, NOT ONLY AM I NO LONGER ASHAMED OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS, but I am ALSO no longer ASHAMED OF WHAT I LOOK LIKE. It feels so freaking amazing to go out now, even if it’s to the grocery store, the mall, the yoga studio or simply for a walk & NOT GET STARED AT by legit EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. in disbelief at how “small I am” or at how “I’m not about to collapse” (Little did they know, I WAS SMALL BECAUSE ANOREXIA TOOK CONTROL OF ME & THAT YES, I WAS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE, BUT I TRIED MY HARDEST NOT TO).
One of the BIGGEST milestones for me when it comes to finally leaving the house (LITERALLY, sounds insane, right? BUT, I really was hibernating, like all cooped up, FOR MONTHS!!! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT) happened this weekend, WITH NONE OTHER THAN MY ALL-TIME-FAVE-PERSON-IN-THE-WORLD, MY SISSY!
- NOT ONLY DID I LEAVE THE HOUSE TO GO SHOPPING DOWNTOWN WITH MY SISTER & MY DAD, but… wait for it… I LEFT THE HOUSE RIGHT IN THE SPANKING MIDDLE OF THE DAY. And you know what that means munchkins? It means that:
- I had to take my afternoon snack with me ON-THE-GO (THIS USUALLY GIVES ME ANXIETY, NO JOKE!!!) &
- I had to eat a take-out salad FROM NONE OTHER THAN MANDY’S (I LOVE YA), with my bestie, yep, my sissy (& YEP, you read right. A FREAKING TAKE-OUT SALAD. For the first time… in… TWO FREAKING YEARS).
- OH, AND, if all that wasn’t enough, I ALSO ATE DINNER AN HOUR, YES AN HOUR, LATER THAN MY USUAL MEAL-PLAN TIME. Guys, for me, this is INSANITY. INSANITY. INSANITY! I know, to most, this doesn’t seem like a big deal. Most normal girls my age go out shopping on a Sunday & eat on the go all the time without a care in the world about what time it is. BUT, WHEN YOU’RE IN MY SITUATION & WHEN YOU KNOW HOW STRICT I AM WITH MY MEAL PLAN & MY MEAL TIMES, you realize that not only is this an accomplishment, BUT IT IS A HUGE MILESTONE FOR ME. HUGE. Guys, a few months ago, HECK A MONTH AGO, I would’ve gotten LEGIT ANXIETY, cray-cray ANXIETY if my dinner wasn’t ready on time, or if I wasn’t home on time for my afternoon snack – EVEN IF I WAS OFF BY JUST A FEW MINUTES. SO, YOU CAN IMAGINE WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG DEAL FOR ME, RIGHT?).
All this to say that EACH & EVERY DAY, I AM TAKING BABY STEPS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONES. I am learning to go back to that normal way of life that I was once so accustomed to, before anorexia took control of me, my life, my mind, my body & my soul.
I am learning to re-become who I was.
AND THE MOST REWARDING FEELING IN THE WORLD IS THAT THOSE WHO LOVE ME, CARE FOR ME & MATTER MOST TO ME ARE TELLING ME THAT THEY HAVE THE “OLD KELLY” BACK… & this, my loves, MEANS EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY-POSITIVELY EVERYTHING.
It’s crazy because people think I don’t realize that anorexia changed me.
That it robbed me of my social life.
Of my desire to be around people.
Of my desire to show the people I loved how I felt.
Of my desire to be there for those who mattered most to me.
BUT, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I REALIZED & I TRIED SO HARD, EVERY SINGLE DAY, TO CHANGE THAT, BUT I JUST COULDN’T. Each & every time I told myself that I would go the extra mile, that I’d make the effort to make that phone call to that old friend, that I’d go to that family dinner, ANOREXIA STOPPED ME. SHE HELD ME BACK. SHE PUT A WALL UP. SHE LITERALLY STOOD IN MY WAY. SHE BLOCKED ME. & Just like that, I was back under the covers, cooped up, back in hibernation…. & worst of all, completely, utterly & positively unsure of when I would get out (or if I would EVER MAKE IT OUT ALIVE).
AND SO, I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SHOUT TO THOSE FAMILY MEMBERS & FRIENDS THAT IT SEEMED LIKE I NEGLECTED OR FORGOT ABOUT & I THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR:
STILL BEING HERE.
FOR STILL BEING AROUND.
FOR STILL LOVING ME.
FOR STILL OPENING YOUR HEARTS TO ME.
FOR LETTING ME BACK IN YOUR LIVES & DOING SO, SO HAPPILY, SO POSITIVELY. SO BEAUTIFULLY. WITH OPEN ARMS. WITH SO MUCH CARE. WITH SO MUCH HELP. WITH SO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT. WITH SO MUCH SUPPORT & WITH SO MUCH ACCEPTANCE.
YOU GUYS MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME. & YOU GUYS ARE THE REASON I AM WHERE I AM TODAY.
& most of all, YOU GUYS HAVE SHOWN ME THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVING WITHOUT CONDITION & WITHOUT EXPECTING A THING IN RETURN. I am so thankful for you all & I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FORGET ABOUT YOU AGAIN! (or rather, to NEVER LET ANOREXIA TAKE CONTROL OF ME & MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I DID. Because, let’s be honest, how could I CONSCIOUSLY forget about people as FREAKING AWESOME AS YOU GUYS?).
AND to those who gave up on me, stopped talking to me, forgot about me, ignored me & closed the door FLAT ON MY FACE:
THANKS FOR NOTHING!!
Well rather, thank you for letting me down & breaking my heart in the process. I don’t care how rude that sounds, judge me all you want! You’ve allowed me TO TRULY OPEN MY EYES & SEE WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO LOVE & CARE ABOUT SOMEONE, NO MATTER WHAT!
Oh & in case I have to remind you munchkins of my PHYSICAL PROGRESS (since all I did was rant about my mental/emotional progress for like three pages long), HERE ARE 483018403482 PICS (Sorry not sorry!!), basically, HERE’S ‘DAT EVIDENCE. YA DIG?
LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! <3
BACK TO THE KITCH.
Currently have some asparagus to roast & the babes are calling me!!!!
GOTTA RUN! BYE!