Hi lovies! Keeping in line with yesterday’s #motivationalwednesdays post, I have something HUGE to share! (In case you were wondering, NO, I did not have a bad day). Let me explain.
For the past 2 years, I have literally been a slave & prisoner to my scale. As I mentioned previously, I would weigh myself 100 times a day (I legit lost count) & made sure to do so each & every single time before I ingested EVEN ONE CALORIE, I’m not even joking. You must think I’m insane & maybe I am… or maybe I was… Anorexia made me insane. BECAUSE OF ANOREXIA, the scale became both my best friend & my worst enemy. I’m sure you could figure this one out pretty easily. When the numbers went down, I loved & worshipped my scale. I wanted to hug & kiss it & marry it ‘till death do us part. BUT, when the numbers went up… Yes, even by 0.1 lbs., I stepped on & off the scale five times to re-confirm that it was true & then, once confirmed, all I wanted to do was pick up the scale, smash it against the wall & scream. But I didn’t, because then it would mean I had no more scale… see what I mean by best friend & worst enemy? IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE PEOPLE. A LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP. It’s freaking HORRIBLE.
BUT, BUT, BUT, now that I control Anorexia (Take that, biatch!) & she no longer dominates my day-to-day (Rather my minute-by-minute) decisions, LAST NIGHT, I MADE THE CONSCIOUS (& MOST AMAZING) DECISION TO LET GO OF MY SCALE. WHAT? I PROMISED MYSELF THAT STARTING TONIGHT, I WILL WEIGH MYSELF ONLY ONCE A DAY, WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING (If I could give this up too, I would. Trust me. But, unfortunately, this is the ONLY WAY for me to keep track of my progress, a.k.a. to make sure that I’m gaining weight on A DAILY BASIS & to provide my treatment team with updates. Blame it on empirical data, my loves. Nothing I can do about it!).
AND, my loves, I AM MOST PROUD TO SAY THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS, I DID NOT WEIGH MYSELF TONIGHT BEFORE DINNER. IT WAS THE BEST. & MOST. FREAKING. LIBERATING. FEELING. IN. THE. WORLD. & I enjoyed my diner MORE THAN I EVER HAVE SINCE BEGINNING MY JOURNEY TOWARDS RECOVERY. (DON’T GET ME WRONG; this is not to say that I haven’t been enjoying my meals… I mean, do you see how DELISH they look?). BUT, tonight, I devoured my meal without a care in the world & BEST OF ALL, without a number in my mind… & it felt FREAKING AMAZING.
All this to say, I am learning, each & every day that the numbers that literally defined ME & MY WORTH (or rather, lack thereof) as an individual just a little over two short months were SO TRIVIAL & USELESS. Now, my life is about so much more than that. I care about my body more than I ever have & while for the past two years, my life was all about deprivation, NOW, IT’S ALL ABOUT NOURISHMENT. So, PEACE OUT SCALE. IT’S BEEN REAL. YOU & YOUR STUPID NUMBERS NO LONGER DEFINE ME. #SORRYNOTSORRY.