Homemade Kale Chips a.k.a. The-Most-Satisfying-Potato-Chip-Alternative a.k.a. Life.

Homemade Kale Chips a.k.a. The-Most-Satisfying-Potato-Chip-Alternative a.k.a. Life.

BEFORE I BEGIN THIS POST, LET ME JUST EXPOSE THAT THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT I FEEL OKAY CHEATING ON SPINACH (Just in case you guys were planning on calling me a liar… thought I’d clarify that first things first!)

OKAY, this recipe is genuinely the by-product of me loving you guys & looking out for your best interest. Let me explain. We all have those days (UM, especially on a day like today where the rain literally has NOT stopped, like BYE) where we find ourselves on the couch or snuggled under the covers in front of the TV going through a Netflix binge and simultaneously exercising our arms… I mean, eating out of that bag of All-Dressed Lays until all we can feel is the bottom of the bag… and just like that, there are no more chips. There are no more crumbs. There is just an empty bag. AND, we come to the realization that WE ATE THE ENTIRE DAMN THING… If only a satisfying alternative existed, RIGHT? WELL, IT DOES GUYS, IT DOES & I am so incredibly awesome (& unselfish) that I will FINALLY share it with you my lovies. THE ANSWER IS HOMEMADE KALE CHIPS & LET ME TELL YOU, ONCE YOU GO KALE, YOU’LL NEVER GO BACK.

This recipe is RELATIVELY easy, BUT (& there is always a BUT), these babies can burn very, very easily, so they need your undivided attention, without which they will feel sad & lonely, AND BURN THEMSELVES, OKAY? So treat your kale chips with respect, watch over them, care for them & make them feel loved. They will love you in return. I promise, because when these babies are baked perfectly, they truly are THE MOST SATISFYING POTATO CHIP ALTERNATIVE OF LIFE.

So I’ve made these babies quite a few times & like a lot of my recipes, I’ve tweaked them (before sharing) because I only want to share PERFECTION with you lovebugs! So, before I actually tell you what & how you need to make these flawless kale chips that will have you Netflix binging WITH GUILT-FREE SNACKS (Key word: GUILT-FREE. Is it one word or two? Not sure… Whatevz), let me give you some general tips about making your own kale chips!

  • Remove the stems & tear the kale leaves into big pieces!
  • WASH & DRY YOUR LEAVES (This is probs. one of the most important steps, people. Wash your vegetables, please. Do yourselves a favour).
  • DO NOT SKIP THE OIL. You need it. I use coconut oil (obvs.) but you can totally use extra virgin olive oil too & I generally use a tablespoon of oil per baking sheet of kale chips. This is going to sound UBER WEIRD, but you literally need to massage the oil into the leaves to make sure they are coated (If your leaves are coated in these beautiful oils, this means your beautiful spices will have an easier time sticking to the leaves, ergo, your chips will taste all spiced up & amazing, WHICH GOES BACK TO MY FIRST COMENT THAT THOU SHALL NOT SKIP THE OIL (I’m not telling you to drain the otherwise healthy babies in oil, because then you might as well go back to the Lays, but just be mindful. You still need SOME oil, plus OIL makes everything taste better, so like… What is the question here exactly? There should not be one. Kthx.
  • Spread your kale IN A SINGLE LAYER on your baking sheet. In other words, DO NOT JUST DUMP YOUR KALE on the baking sheet & hope for the best, because THE BEST WILL NOT OCCUR. You will open your oven door when that timer rings (MOST. ANNOYING. SOUND. EVER) & all you will see are unevenly baked & SOGGY kale chips (And, nobody likes soggy chips)l. Simply spread the kale leaves in a thin layer on each sheet (YES, even if that means you have to bend down & take out another baking sheet because you have no more room on the first one!!).
  • After making these babies a few times, I’ve learned that they bake best & most evenly at low-heat, a.k.a. 300F. K so, the issue is that this means they take A BIT longer to bake, but I can assure that it is so so worth it because NONE of your chips will burn (Plus, this means you can take a little break from that Netflix binge that has rendered you a couch potato since the AM).
  • LASTLY, cool your babies (I mean, the chips) on the baking sheet for just a few minutes (I usually wait about 3-4 minutes), ergo, do not go back to the couch. Do not go back to bed. You will forget about your kale chips & they will be very, very sad. Nobody wants to make their kale chips sad, now, do they I know I don’t. No but seriously, in the same way that baked cookies will firm up when they are cooled, so will these babies. BUT, I SWEAR. THE SMELL IN YOUR KITCHEN WHEN THESE BABES COME OUT. THESE THREE MINUTES WILL FEEL LIKE AN HOUR. Once they pass, you will devour the chips before even having had the time to store them… THE BATCH WILL ONLY LAST A FEW MINUTES & you will most probably be standing in front of your oven for those few minutes..

OKAY, “But, she’s giving us all these tips, yet she’s not even telling us what we need or how to make these…”. I was just getting to that lovies. TO MAKE THESE BABIES, you need the following (OH BTW, I forgot to mention that these wonderful chips are VEGAN, GLUTEN-FREE, GRAIN-FREE, NUT-FREE, REFINED SUGAR-FREE & SOY-FREE. WAIT, what? So then, what are they? DO the even exist? K, Kelly, enough. Tell them what they need:

  • THE KALE LEAVES (OBVS). Please refer to tips above, i.e. REMOVE STEMS & TEAR LEAVES;
  • 1 tbsp. of extra virgin olive oil or melted coconut oil (How you could chose the olive oil over the coconut oil is beyond me, really… but WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BABY);
  • 1,5 tbsp. of nutritional yeast (If you don’t have this ingredient, even though I told you to buy it like 5 times already, you can replace this bad boy with some Parmesan). For those who care & those who listen to me, I use Bob’s Red Mill Nutritional Yeast.
  • 1 tsp. of garlic powder (I use Simply Organic);
  • 3/4 tsp. of chili powder (Simply Organic);
  • 1/2 tsp. of onion powder (Simply Organic);
  • 1/2 tsp. of SMOKED paprika (Simply Organic). GUYS, you need to use SMOKED paprika. You can’t use regular paprika. The effect is not the same. You have been warned. THE SMOKINESS… OMG, WISH I COULD PUT IT INTO WORDS.
  • 1/4 tsp. of organic pink Himalayan sea salt, or regular sea salt;
  • 1/8 tsp. of cayenne pepper (Some people just have this weird aversion to cayenne, so if you are one of those, please note that this is TOTZ. OPTIONAL).

NOW, NOW, to bake these babes:

  • As I mentioned earlier, these babes bake best at LOW TEMPERATURES, so preheat your oven to 300F. Line one (or two, or three) baking sheets with parchment paper.
  • Remove the kale leaves from the stems & roughly tear them up into large pieces.
  • WASH YOUR LEAVES. DRY THEM. Nobody wants to eat soggy kale chips, people. No, not even you.
  • Add the kale leaves to a large bowl. MASSSSSSAGE in the oil until all the leaves are coated in oil & NOW, THE MOST SATISFYING PART: SPRINKLE ALL DEM HERBS & SEASONINGS. Toss these babies to combine all this beautifulness.
  • SPREAD out the kale onto the prepared baking sheets into a SINGLE layer (Please, listen to me). Don’t overcrowd your kale, okay? Everyone deserves their space!!!
  • Bake these babes for 10 minutes, ROTATE THE PAN & bake for another 12-15 minutes (In other words, in case you suck at math, your total baking time ranges from anywhere between 22 and 25 minutes AND YES, that means you need to pause Netflix for that long + the cooling time. SORRY NOT SORRY. You’ll thank me when you’re munching away). P.S. THE KALE WILL SHRINK. Don’t worry. It’s supposed to happen. Swear.
  • Cool the kale on the sheets for 3-4 minutes before DIGGING IN, DEVOURING, AND LICKING THE PARCHMENT PAPER (People, let the parchment paper cool before licking it, unless you want a burnt tongue). Honestly, I would tell you guys to keep SOME of the chips for tomorrow, but these babies are best enjoyed RIGHT AWAY because they are hot & crispy… OMG I’m drooling. I’m not okay. Somebody HELP!

Somehow, I was able to resist temptation & put these babes in a bowl… I even had time to take a picture… I don’t know how I did it guys, I think it was mostly because I NEEDED the perfect picture to post for you guys (so you could compare to your batches, you know… to make sure you did things right). ANYWHO, if it weren’t for you guys, I woulda devoured these babes while standing in front of my oven. Is that what you did? DON’T LIE TO ME. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY, KAY?

BTW, here’s a pic of my beautiful babies:

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Enjoy my loves!!! Xoxo! <3



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